American Idol
Surrender Dorothy

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I've Grown Accustomed To Their Fates

Tuesday. Ryan "Out Tonight" Seacrest greets us all on the Seal of Tsathoggua with the three remaining finalists. Ryan, I hear, is wearing the exact same outfit that Jimmy Fallon wore when he parodied him in a recent Saturday Night Live skit. I didn't see the episode, because I had something better to do. I don't remember what it was, but I'm sure it was better. Like snorting rubbing alcohol up my nasal passages. Something like that.

Credits. Ryan heads back out onstage. Why doesn't he just stay there during the credits? It's really stupid to have him greet us on the stage, then run back behind it for ten whole seconds, then come right back out. People cheer. Ryan blathers on with a bunch of fake numbers before reminding us that we'll finally pick our American Idol next week, after we go through the motions this week so they can get rid of Kimberley. Somebody in the audience holds up a sign promoting Clay and Ruben, except with pictures of Alfred E. Newman and Fat Albert. That's an unusual way of showing support. You guys are caricatures! Wooooo! Ryan has the kids come out again, so they can get more cheers.

Then Ryan pretty much all but tells us to vote for Ruben. He tells us that this isn't a popularity contest. We're supposed to vote for the best singer, not the one we like the most. Because, you know, they didn't have lengthy clips of the kids talking about their lives helping children with special needs, or serving in the military, or getting a day named after them, or anything at all to make us like the finalists for anything other than their singing. The word is "backfire," producers. Look it up.

Then Ryan introduces the judges, Simon "Take Me Or Leave Me" Cowell, Paula "Over The Moon" Abdul, and Randy "I'll Cover You" Jackson. Ryan mentions that Simon was nearly bumped from The Tonight Show. He makes no mention of the fact that Robbie Williams gave Simon a lap dance. I think Ryan's a jealous little bitch. Speaking of jealous, I'm nasty and sarcastic and have manboobs -- where's my Robbie Williams lap dance? Paula is wearing a gangster hat. Ryan rips off my comments about Paula and ascribes them to Randy when he accuses him of "incomprehensible ramblings."

There's no guest judge tonight. Wheeee! Thank God. I was so sick of them. Ryan tells us that the three finalists will each sing three songs tonight. One song chosen by the kids, one song chosen by the judges, and one song chosen at "random." I will be putting "random" in quotes throughout the recap, because I have no reason to believe what Ryan says is actually true. We see a bowl with slips in it. We see the kids pull out a slip. They show us nothing of the process of how the slips ended up in the bowl, who chose the songs, how the songs were chosen for inclusion, how many songs were chosen for the bowl, or anything to actually make us believe that this is truly random. Are the kids even picking from the same "random" songs? It doesn't seem like it.

Kimberley "Without You" Locke is first up. We see her "randomly" pick a slip of paper out of a bowl in Pimp Central and open it to reveal that she has chosen "Band of Gold." Which she sang back in Glendale with that one woman with the boobs whom we must never speak of again. Well, isn't Kim the lucky one? Not that it matters. I'll be saying that a lot about Kim's appearances tonight.

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American Idol

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