Oh, let's all bask in the reality-altering glow of Michael Keown's self-love. He and his group say they wish they could have gone first in order to "set the pace." His eyebrows migrate around his forehead as he tells us that if he doesn't win, he's sure he'll still be in the "top three." In some other interviews, he marvels at how nice his own name is, and how it looks and sounds so good. He looks at us and stage-whispers his own name, spreading his hands expansively, imagining it in lights. I have a feeling that people laugh a lot when they're trying to have conversations with Michael, from which he probably incorrectly concludes that people think he's funny. We cut to the group sing, where Michael sounds boring and smarmy, and then forgets the words. Ha ha! There's my old friend, Schadenfreude. The other two guys in the group are named John Praetor (he's the balding guy in his thirties) and Matthew Metzger (who is young and pretty). They're all terribly bland and dull. The judges are bored. Randy says it was terrible. He says it was like a bad cruise-ship performance, and he's drunk and doesn't know what's going on. Paula's about to chime in, but then Michael interrupts to say that they've seen him "a lot better." Yes, but you suck now. And you really weren't that good before. Paula says they weren't great. Coming from Paula, that's the equivalent of what Simon says, which is that they were "Ghastly. With a capital 'G.'" He says that there was no star quality or "edge," and adds, "I expected you to end with a wink." Ha! He totally nailed them. Simon concludes his comments, but Michael doesn't want to let it go, because he doesn't want them to forget for a moment that they thought he was good before. He tells them that he doesn't want to be judged solely on that song. See, he only wants to be judged when people like him, but not when people don't like him. That's perfectly reasonable, isn't it? Simon says that Michael probably won't be alone in hoping he's not judged solely on his group performance today.
And of course, this is the perfect set-up to a montage of suck. Noel forgets the words to "Never Gonna Give You Up." As does Trashcan Loin. As does Eric Yoder. As does some guy in a trucker hat. As does Bao Viet. The judges aren't happy, of course. Noel says he doesn't know what happened. Jesus, in an interview, says that Noel should have done a better job, and that Noel let Jesus down. Noel disappointed Jesus. If only I weren't a complete heathen, I'd probably know more about the Bible and could milk more jokes out of this. But I think there's some sort of saying that goes "Judge not, lest ye be judged." Also, there's something about having a log in your eye, but that one sounds a little extreme. Jesus reminds us that his apostles (George Huff and Matt Rogers) all went to bed rather then practicing all night. And so Jesus's attitude will pay off when he shows them all how it's done. Right? Right? No. His singing is awful, and he forgets the words. Where's your savior now, Jesus? To make it even more amusing, George and Matt are both perfect. It just goes to show that you should listen to your elders. Even if you're the son of God. Although both George's and Matt's attempts to dress young are pretty funny. George is wearing a knit pull-over cap, and Matt is wearing a red newsboy cap. Matt has even got those jeans with the faded bars down the front. Dude, you're forty. You should know better. Randy declares that the performance was entertaining, and compliments George on his efforts to disguise his real age. George says, "I'm young! I'm young! I'm young!" over and over again in an effort to make it true. Randy mentions Jesus's screwing up, and Jesus tries to blame it on George and Matt for not staying up with him to practice. What are they -- human mnemonic devices? How exactly is it their fault you couldn't remember the words? In an interview, Matt points out that he and George didn't seem to have any problems, despite the rest.