American Idol
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You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Fame-Whore Here

Hey look! It's Disney's Main Street Electric Youth Parade! The remaining contestants all walk across some plaza, waving their hands in the air like they just don't care whether you think they can sing or not as long as they get to be on television. Ryan Seacrest montages us all the way through Tuesday's show, reminding us that Alan "Trashcan Loin" Ritchson and Lisa "My Love Is Like...No" Wilson frolicked for at least thirty seconds rather than succumb to the voluntary slavery detailed in the agreements they signed to be on the show. Briana "Bri" Garcia hated her group partners and didn't want to dance. I can't wait to see how that turns out. Jesus freaks. Because his group partners went to bed. Ryan tells us that the judges will select the final thirty-two tonight, and that one of them will go on to be our next American Idol.

Credits. The transsexual terminator frolics among all the U.S. landmarks it has stolen and secreted away in its underground lair.

I was right! A Historic Theater is in Pasadena. And if it is indeed the same location as the first season's second round of cuts, it's...the Pasadena Civic Center. Fancy. The remaining contestants all arrive in a convoy of earth-destroying, gas-guzzling [product-placed SUVs]. A montage sends us zipping around through several groups' morning practices. Fantasia Barrino tells us she thinks her group will do just fine. Michael Keown smarmily tells us that his group will be in the top three. The other two guys in the group can't stop laughing while Michael talks. They know Michael is a total buttmunch. Can you imagine having to spend hours with him? Various contestants assure us that they're the bomb, and are going to be selected. Interspersed with all the self-love are comments by Simon Cowell, who theorizes that 90% of them will forget the words, and 95% of them won't sing in tune. Randy Jackson just sits there and giggles as Simon predicts that they'll be watching a "musical car crash." Some of the groups give themselves names. Fantasia's group is called the "Divas in Red." They all have red somewhere on their outfits. Somebody suggests that Amy and Nicole's terribly, terribly white group of girls should call themselves the "Ghetto Fab Four." Then they all realize there's absolutely no way anybody would ever buy the "ghetto" part. Michael's group calls themselves "The Bleach Boys," because they all have bad highlights. And also because one of the guys in the group was clearly born in the '60s. They're all wearing black, making them look like hairstylists from old Vidal Sassoon commercials. The Hawaiian guys are, of course, milking the whole Hawaiian thing.

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American Idol

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