American Idol
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You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Fame-Whore Here

And of course, this is the perfect set-up to a montage of suck. Noel forgets the words to "Never Gonna Give You Up." As does Trashcan Loin. As does Eric Yoder. As does some guy in a trucker hat. As does Bao Viet. The judges aren't happy, of course. Noel says he doesn't know what happened. Jesus, in an interview, says that Noel should have done a better job, and that Noel let Jesus down. Noel disappointed Jesus. If only I weren't a complete heathen, I'd probably know more about the Bible and could milk more jokes out of this. But I think there's some sort of saying that goes "Judge not, lest ye be judged." Also, there's something about having a log in your eye, but that one sounds a little extreme. Jesus reminds us that his apostles (George Huff and Matt Rogers) all went to bed rather then practicing all night. And so Jesus's attitude will pay off when he shows them all how it's done. Right? Right? No. His singing is awful, and he forgets the words. Where's your savior now, Jesus? To make it even more amusing, George and Matt are both perfect. It just goes to show that you should listen to your elders. Even if you're the son of God. Although both George's and Matt's attempts to dress young are pretty funny. George is wearing a knit pull-over cap, and Matt is wearing a red newsboy cap. Matt has even got those jeans with the faded bars down the front. Dude, you're forty. You should know better. Randy declares that the performance was entertaining, and compliments George on his efforts to disguise his real age. George says, "I'm young! I'm young! I'm young!" over and over again in an effort to make it true. Randy mentions Jesus's screwing up, and Jesus tries to blame it on George and Matt for not staying up with him to practice. What are they -- human mnemonic devices? How exactly is it their fault you couldn't remember the words? In an interview, Matt points out that he and George didn't seem to have any problems, despite the rest.

And we head back to watch more fuck-ups. Some boy named Jeremy that we'll never see again forgets the words to "Tell Her About It." How can you forget the words to that song? I'm sitting here singing it right now and I'm not even a Billy Joel fan. Terrance forgets the words. John Stevens IV forgets the words. Again. He's 0 for 2 here so far. Simon says that if they were singing karaoke, somebody would turn the power off.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for the women. One group is upset, because their third member, Meleana, is avoiding them. We see a shot of her, wandering around, even though people tell her that the group is trying to find her. She's clearly avoiding them on purpose. At one point, she actually stumbles upon them, but turns and walks away as they call her name. Elsewhere, Leah Vladowski's stage mom is actually proving to be helpful to her group (with Elizabeth LeTendre and Dina Lopez). Or they seem to think she is. Leah's mom, working a black leather biker's cap like nobody's business, tells us she was a pop star in Bulgaria back in the '70s. Did they allow pop in Bulgaria back then? And what kind of songs were they? Ah, a poll that practically writes itself. The girls joke about how much Mom has been working them, but it's obvious that they like having her around, unlike a certain Briana. And it works out well for them. Their group is the first we see, and they're pretty good. Their singing has some minor pitch problems, but they have a lot of energy and good moves in their rendition of "Young Hearts Run Free." And they end with the Charlie's Angel pose requisite for any girl group. The kids all cheer wildly for them. Randy says he appreciates how they came out and gave a creative performance. Paula loved them, of course. Simon says that they might just have a top twelve full of girls this years, and that he couldn't care less if there were any boys at all. Yes, yes, Simon, reports of this season's female agenda are already being overanalyzed in the "conspiracy" thread in the forums.

Next up is the Meleana's "group," consisting of Cortni and Janine, whoever the hell they are. We start with Cortni and Janine singing "You Can't Hurry Love," and neither of them can sing for shit, so I was wondering if Meleana just didn't want them fucking up her own practicing. But then when her turn comes around, she can't remember a single word of the song. Not one. Not even the song title. I'm going to be nice and guess that Meleana wasn't avoiding the group because she was being a bitch, but because she had already choked from the pressure and knew she couldn't handle being around them. She probably should not have even shown up. In another backstage interview, Randy laughs while Simon explains that he watches the other kids in the audition and sees them react with glee when somebody forgets the words, but then look all concerned and supportive when the cameras come around. Heh.

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American Idol

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