Tuesday. The audience shrieks out a countdown as Ryan "Fanny Be Tender With My Love" Seacrest and the four finalists greet us from the Seal of Tsathoggua. Why they count us down to the opening credits when there's going to be at least three minutes of filler is beyond me.
Credits. Ryan heads back out onto the Seal in another homeless outfit, this time wearing a t-shirt with a peace symbol with the word "out" written on it. It's a good thing the war's over, or he'd be so very fired right now. I used to have a suit jacket that looks just like Ryan's. I got it about fifteen years ago. At Goodwill. For $15. I bet he paid $500 for his. Ryan reminds us that Trenyce was ejected last week, and Ruben landed in the bottom two. Of course, Ruben's brush with elimination gets the louder response from the audience. There's Rickey and what's-his-face Charles sitting in the audience. Poor kid. He was the very first person to make it to the finals this season, and he's been utterly ignored since then.
Ryan introduces the final four back onstage. Then he introduces Simon "Throw A Penny" Cowell, Paula "Night Fever" Abdul, and Randy "Jumbo" Jackson. Ryan introduces Simon with some remarkably nonsensical and stupid comment about Simon having an STD or something, prompting Simon to look at him in complete confusion.
Tonight's theme is songs from the Bee Gees. Isn't that great? Don't Bee Gees songs fit perfectly within the vocal ranges of our remaining finalists? What's that? They don't? Oops. Oh well. But of course, everybody knows they pick the songs based on whom they can get to participate on the show, and Robin Gibb is willing, so the kids can all just suck on it. So Robin Gibb is the guest judge, and he heads out onstage. The man's so skinny, he makes Ryan look like Randy. He's wearing tinted glasses. They aren't rose-colored, despite what his comments during the show may indicate. Ryan asks Robin what his proudest moment was. His proudest moment was "songwriting." Really. And his favorite color is "Italian," and his favorite song is "Robin's Egg Blue." In the clip show, we learn that the Bee Gees have written a gazillion songs and sold millions of records. They were popular in England and Australia before they hit it big in the U.S. And most importantly, they're the ones to blame for John Travolta. Ewwwww! And they've written for Barbra Streisand. And other people. And Maurice died earlier this year. Awww. But the Bee Gees will live on forever. Yay! Unless, of course, you can't stand the vast majority of their songs, like me.