Tuesday. The audience shrieks out a countdown as Ryan "Fanny Be Tender With My Love" Seacrest and the four finalists greet us from the Seal of Tsathoggua. Why they count us down to the opening credits when there's going to be at least three minutes of filler is beyond me.
Credits. Ryan heads back out onto the Seal in another homeless outfit, this time wearing a t-shirt with a peace symbol with the word "out" written on it. It's a good thing the war's over, or he'd be so very fired right now. I used to have a suit jacket that looks just like Ryan's. I got it about fifteen years ago. At Goodwill. For $15. I bet he paid $500 for his. Ryan reminds us that Trenyce was ejected last week, and Ruben landed in the bottom two. Of course, Ruben's brush with elimination gets the louder response from the audience. There's Rickey and what's-his-face…Charles…sitting in the audience. Poor kid. He was the very first person to make it to the finals this season, and he's been utterly ignored since then.
Ryan introduces the final four back onstage. Then he introduces Simon "Throw A Penny" Cowell, Paula "Night Fever" Abdul, and Randy "Jumbo" Jackson. Ryan introduces Simon with some remarkably nonsensical and stupid comment about Simon having an STD or something, prompting Simon to look at him in complete confusion.
Tonight's theme is songs from the Bee Gees. Isn't that great? Don't Bee Gees songs fit perfectly within the vocal ranges of our remaining finalists? What's that? They don't? Oops. Oh well. But of course, everybody knows they pick the songs based on whom they can get to participate on the show, and Robin Gibb is willing, so the kids can all just suck on it. So Robin Gibb is the guest judge, and he heads out onstage. The man's so skinny, he makes Ryan look like Randy. He's wearing tinted glasses. They aren't rose-colored, despite what his comments during the show may indicate. Ryan asks Robin what his proudest moment was. His proudest moment was "songwriting." Really. And his favorite color is "Italian," and his favorite song is "Robin's Egg Blue." In the clip show, we learn that the Bee Gees have written a gazillion songs and sold millions of records. They were popular in England and Australia before they hit it big in the U.S. And most importantly, they're the ones to blame for John Travolta. Ewwwww! And they've written for Barbra Streisand. And other people. And Maurice died earlier this year. Awww. But the Bee Gees will live on forever. Yay! Unless, of course, you can't stand the vast majority of their songs, like me.
Back onstage, Robin sits between Paula and Randy. Ryan tells us that, once again, the kids will be singing twice. And unlike last week, they'll be singing Bee Gees songs for both numbers. First up is Joshua "Tragedy" Gracin with "Jive Talkin.'" Josh heads out to the seal in his black outfit. And he's wearing a necklace that appears to have about a dozen of Paula's medallions on them. I think he took the ones Paula gave to the other finalists. After he killed them. Now you know why we're not seeing certain rejected contestants anymore. Not three words into the song and he's already grimacing, hunched over, and inexplicably gesturing us all closer. And he's both fake twanging and off-key at the same time. Then he jumps off the stage and works his way through the audience, giving folks high-fives. And since he can barely sing on pitch when he's standing still, just imagine what he sounds like while he's running around the audience. And then there's the part where he runs up to the camera and makes scary, angry faces into it. It looks like nothing so much as the close-up on Jack Nicholson's face when he busted through the door in The Shining. You jive-talked me! You're telling me lies! Now I'm going to have to kill you! Redrum! Redrum! He makes a bunch of lecture-y hand gestures and finally duck-walks his way back onstage to limp through to the end of the song. Awful, embarrassing performance. It really does come off like frat night at the karaoke bar.