American Idol
The Girl Who Was Good At Singing Disco Songs

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Goodbye Baby V
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Tuesday

Ryan's wearing his "I [Flaming Heart] Celebrity Gossip." That's tricky, semiotically, because are we talking about Paula and her indiscretions, or the guys pretending to have dated you? Or something else I don't know about? Or did you get drunk at Paula Rubio's house and this is the only thing that would fit? Very interesting. If I didn't have Ryan's t-shirts to think about, what would I think about? It's not like I think they're specifically coded messages just for me, or anything like that. Not saying it wouldn't be awesome, just saying this stupid show still hasn't beaten me. I'm just not crazy enough yet.

There's only 1% "separating them," and even though I'm not sure I know what he means -- would that be between the highest and lowest-voted of the three? Or between each of them? Or between a random set of two of them? Or what? -- that's still incredible. And I mean, kind of, that it is not credible. But still, it means they did their homework making this close race thing happen, like they do every year. Randy's wearing a somewhat frenetic light blue paisley shirt, and Paula's breasts are going quietly mad on the table before her. And Clive Davis is in the hizzy! Check out the total corpse of him! Clive Sidious! Clive is wearing a necktie in my favorite shade of blue, M40Y75, with a clashing pocket square. This fashion review brought to you by the endless cheering for no reason at all.

Last fake Wednesday, it's suddenly kind of freaky how empty the room looks. Remember in seasons past when we practically lived in the red room? The theme, Ryan tells us, is "It's All About Choice." Whatever. They'll be singing three songs, one of which will be chosen for them by Clive, one of which they will choose themselves, and finally, each of the judges has picked a song for them. The assignments of judge to contestant, we shall see, make less than no sense, and are pretty much as stupid as the songs each of them will eventually pick for his/her contestant. I wonder if this was by coin flip or something, because it's one of the most random things in this very random week. Ryan explains that Clive is the chairman and CEO of BMG, which is of course the label to which the winner will be handing his or her soul over -- I mean, signing -- at the end of all this. They don't even pretend to know or care about this, and then Ryan shakes each of their hands, and says in a kind of "I see dead people" whisper, "I just touched the American Idol…who is it?" They all laugh nervously and it's kind of scream-inducing. The stress of this is getting to me, and that's saying a lot considering that there's no suspense about what's going to happen here.

Ryan explains to us that, in order to make it easier for the voters to get through, each contestant tonight will have two possible numbers to call. He leaves out the part where he's going to fuck this up on live TV.

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American Idol

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