American Idol
The Silencing Of The Lamb

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Commercials. Old people are funny when they try to eat candy bars!

It's time for our final performer, Kelly "Gettin' Sentimental Over You" Clarkson. Given the poll results in the last recaps, not to mention the number of female posters on the boards that Kelly has unknowingly rendered bi-curious, she has inherited Justin's (Eeeeeee!). In her clip show, Kelly (Eeeeeee!) explains that she tried to make it in Hollywood once before, but it didn't work out. Apparently, the experience bummed her out, and her friends were the ones that pushed her to audition for the show. No wonder she says she'll never forget them.

Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads out to the stage to perform "Stuff Like That There." She's definitely dressed for the era with a black-and-white polka-dotted dress, pearls, and period hair. She's reminiscent of that era's equivalent of the "tough, no-nonsense girl" in the movies. You know -- the one with all the moxie who didn't take no guff from nobody. Then, in the final act, the main character, having lusted after the vampy bombshell blonde the whole film, discovers that he's really been in love with the no-nonsense girl all along.

So Kelly (Eeeeeee!) starts singing, and all of the sudden my Judy Garland gene is activated. Seriously, I'm not one of those gay guys who cares all that much about the female singers of yesteryear. But the minute Kelly opened her mouth, it was like some internal tuning fork started vibrating. Her voice sounds nothing like her talking voice. And it also sounds nothing like the voice she's been singing with during the last few rounds. She actually does sound eerily like Judy Garland. It's almost like the kind of vocal transformation that Jim Nabors made when he sang. Her singing is just awesome. She's note perfect except for her first large, sustained note, which is a little flat. The song has tempo changes and variety and tons of range. Kelly's got a stunning amount of presence and personality. Watching the performance is like going back in time. Just amazing. Her family's in attendance tonight (in case you didn't pick up on that Clarkson guy earlier), and she gets wild cheers when she's done.

Kelly (Eeeeeee!) gives a quick wave of thanks to the band before heading over to the judges. Randy says he's a big fan of Kelly's, and says that she's one of the best "natural" singers he's heard in a long time. Word. Paula agrees and calls Kelly (Eeeeeee!) a triple threat, explaining that she can also imagine her on television, film, and stage. I guess she's trying to warm us all up to the idea of that American Idol movie they're trying to toss together. Simon says he's glad they ended with her, because the show's all about finding a star, not "feeling sorry for people who aren't very good." Then he decides to try to mock the band by pointing out that the piano player is wearing one of Ryan's old shirts. The man stands up to show us all he's wearing a black mesh button-up shirt over a crazy multi-colored tee. He looks at Simon all, "What of it? What of my shirt?" He's not the least bit embarrassed. He models it proudly for the audience.

Kelly (Eeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker. Ryan defends the shirt some more. They ask Kelly (Eeeeeee!) if she was nervous onstage. She says she wasn't really, because they rehearse enough. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) doesn't want to sit; she's afraid she'll "flash the world" because of the way the dress is cut. Brian tells her that "it might help with the votes." Oh my god, why is this man still breathing? I would forgive any attitude from these women simply for putting up with the awful comments from the men on this show. The contestants, I mean. Paula isn't included. Black and Decker have Kelly (Eeeeeee!) recite her own phone number for the voters.

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American Idol

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