American Idol
The Sixth Time's The Charm

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Waterloo -- couldn't escape if she wanted to

Tuesday. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically recaps Tamyra's shocking ejection last week. There's an unexpected melodramatic sneer in his voice when he tells us, "Your lack of votes ousted [Tamyra] from the competition." But since 19 Entertainment all but stormed the stage during the results show to pick up Tamyra's management option, I'm not shedding tears over her ejection. Well, not anymore. Shut up. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically warns us, "Tonight, the pressure mounts as the surviving three realize that one mistake could be their last." Unless you're Nikki, of course.

Credits. This week's nicknames are courtesy of ABBA, because I saw Mamma Mia! last weekend, and now half of the songs are stuck in my head. Ryan "Does Your Mother Know?" Seacrest and Brian "Should I Laugh Or Cry?" Dunkleman head out from the back of the stage to The Octagon of Judgment. In the audience, Nikki, Justin, and Kelly fans live together in perfect harmony with side-by-side signs. There's also a sign from a Randy fan, as well as one that reads, "Dunkleman for President. Simon for Queen." So clearly, Brian was at least able to rent a friend for the evening. Black and Decker greet the cheering audience and introduce themselves. Brian says, "I am a Dunkleman. Wouldn't you like to beat a Dunkleman, too?" Yes, yes I would. Thanks for asking. Oh, I misheard; he asked if I wanted to be a Dunkleman. Ew. Get away.

Tonight, the remaining finalists will sing one song of their own choice and one song chosen by the judges. Unless they really didn't like that song the judges choose, in which case the judges will choose a totally different song. Or so I've heard. Black and Decker introduce Kelly, Nikki, and Justin, who come out to greet the cheering crowd. After the kids file back off, Black and Decker introduce the judges by pointing out that it's essentially a "three on three" match, what with the number of finalists equaling the number of judges. They suggest that Justin should be able to "handle" Randy "On And On And On" Jackson. That would be like seeing Ichabod Crane taking on Shaquille O'Neal. They continue that Nikki could take on Paula "Dancing Queen" Abdul. She'd kick Paula's ass in about three whole seconds, and then Paula would have an excuse to get her prescription for painkillers refilled. Brian makes a loathsome comment about really wanting to see Nikki and Paula take each other on. Ryan concludes that Kelly could take on Simon "Hole In Your Soul" Cowell. He starts explaining that Kelly should "take Simon from behind, take her hand, and squeeze his nnnnnn…knees." Ah, I see Ryan has been getting some action again. Clearly, Simon wasn't able to steal Christina away from her fiancé. Hopefully, this will calm Ryan down a bit.

Yay! We don't get a stupid clip show this evening to pad out the hour and to explain to us what individual clip shows we're going to get before each performer. Instead, Black and Decker introduce Nikki "Under Attack" McKibbin to the crowd. There are still individual clip shows for the performers, though. Last week, they sent our three finalists back home, so we can watch huge crowds of people adore them. Because we don't see that during the performances or anything. I guess we don't get to see people shriek at them outside, so this is different. Nikki heads back to Dallas, where people throw rotten vegetables at her and boo her for outlasting Tamyra. Just kidding. Folks in the media may be investing in sackcloth and ashes, but Nikki's got plenty of fans who don't feel remotely guilty. She hangs out with Utterly Interchangeable DJs 345 and 346 at Cookie Cutter Radio Station 724 and answers calls from fans. Some guy calls in to tell us all how he used to skip school with Nikki. We meet Nikki's mom, and though I'm legally allowed to make "white trash" jokes for the same reason I'm allowed to make gay jokes, I won't. I'll just say that Nikki's mom, who I'm sure is a wonderful woman, looks as though she's been forced to live every day twice. Mom says that she has always told Nikki she can do or be anything she wanted to be. Nikki is interviewed by Local Morning News Show Clone Host 212, who invites Nikki to spray-color some of her hair purple. Nikki goes back to the karaoke bar she used to work at and signs autographs. She tells the camera that no matter how famous she becomes, she'll always go back home. Then they show her sliding down a playground slide for some reason.

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American Idol

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