Previously: Kelly Clarkson sang her way into our hearts and then screamed her way right back out of them. Clay Aiken was a fan favorite on the internet; yet in the end, we all learned about the limitations of online support. It's a lesson Howard Dean has just learned, too. But in response, Clay's fans came out even stronger and made him a success. Howard Dean may end up learning this lesson, too. Or else, in a bit of internet fandom confusion, Clay Aiken will land the Democratic nomination for president. Which would make Tsathoggua very, very happy.

Ryan "Dirty Little Secret" Seacrest greets us all from a cheering throng (no, not thong -- at least not yet) of young attention whores, telling us that these folks have been waiting for days at their chanced to be used, chewed up, and spit out by both the television and the music industries. Ryan tells us that they'll be with us "every step of the way," by which he means "the one percent of the auditions we think will make entertaining television." He tells us to expect the unexpected. Well, I'll keep an eye for originality and depth, but I really, really don't think it's going to happen.

Welcome back, creepy polymorphous superstar of the opening credits. Stomp your way angrily back into our hearts!

Oh, I was so right in my guess in the recap of the World Idol results show. The premiere starts with the same segment they used to fill up extra time during that hour-long snooze-fest. Except I foolishly declined to recap it then, so I have to recap it now. Dammit. Ryan narrates about the six-city audition tour that preceded the season as we see gastric bypass spokesman Randy Jackson, Xanax spokeswoman Paula Abdul, and American Psychiatric Association spokesman Simon Cowell unload from some cars and enter a building. We cut to a clip of Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard singing absolutely horribly together in the finale of the second season of the show. Ryan reminds us that 50 million people watched that show, in which Ruben (barely) beat Clay in the votes. But here at TWoP, Clay beat Ruben handily in the category of "contestant with the most fans banned from the forums for unacceptable behavior." You really don't want to see what that trophy looks like. Ryan says that the contest will be even tougher this year (I doubt it), and we cut to Simon telling some guy that if he were to win, "he'd close down the FOX network." Hey, I'll listen to this guy shriek for hours if there's a chance it will get Tru Calling off the air. Again they play this idea that Randy and Paula have been "brought over to the dark side," because Randy has never, ever, ever, ever, ever been sarcastic on this show to bad performers, ever. At another point, Paula, dressed in what appears to be a bad acid trip, complains to some idiot guy who she says is wasting everybody's time. I bet it has nothing to do with him being a bad singer as it is that this guy appears to be really rude. Some guy grabs some water and throws it at Simon before getting tackled by security. Some woman tells the judges that they suck.

So, what are the judges looking for this year? Randy says they're looking for somebody with a unique voice who will have a long musical career. And then his pants catch on fire. Randy looks really different, and it's not because he's thinner. He's got his hair cropped really, really short and he's wearing earrings, and, honestly, has picked a personal style similar to some African-American lesbians I've known. Paula also lies that they want somebody with a "unique" voice. Simon repeats the crap he said in Season Two that it's going to be harder for contestants than Season One. Except this time, he's demanding even better contestants than from either Season One and Two. From what we see tonight? No. Not happening.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9Next