American Idol
Them Against The Music, Part II

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"Must You Sing Directly In My Face?"

Previously on American Idol: Clay Aiken was the bane of my existence, and I felt alone in the world.

Ryan "Muppet-Boy" Seacrest announces that "the wait is over" and the show is back. People are doing the wave. The wave, y'all. Because "wooooo!" is still just a little too edgy. Next, they'll be throwing Rubik's Cubes and setting their Bermuda bags on fire, those crazy teenagers. Muppet-Boy recaps last night's adventures in New York, which you know all about already. Wow, so this year's twins really did suck. Shack may hate me for the things I get to recap, but I have only admiration for all he has already survived. And damn, if there isn't a rule that says "Thou shalt not scat on American Idol," there really should be. And it should be enforced by firing squad. The girl on the scooter, however, I will take with my bare hands. "What will we find in this crowd tonight in Atlanta?" Muppet-Boy asks. Despair, tiny Muppet, despair! I'm telling you, every time I see him, I just expect him to start singing something alphabet-related.

Intro sequence. Well you can rock 'em, roll 'em all night long, you're the -- liquid metal man! Or, possibly, woman. I like how Liquid Metal Man or Woman walks through a gauntlet of American flags. Because "A Moment Like This" is all about patriotism, you know. Support our troops by watching girls in hoochie shirts.

"Atlanta," says the screen in Copperplate Gothic Bold. Muppet-Boy notes that we've ventured to Atlanta, Georgia. "Atlanta," says Randy as he deplanes. Wait, where are we again? Annapolis? Albania? Hello? Hint, please! Muppet-Boy claims that in the past, Atlanta has been "a fertile ground" for talent. (Ohhhh, Atlanta, that's it.) He also points out that the first round of auditions were held at the Georgia Dome. Not at the Ted? That's a bummer. That would have been awesome, because the auditioners would undoubtedly have proved to be the only people in history who couldn't do the tomahawk chop in tune. I doubt they could do "Airball! Airball! Airball!" in tune, either. Anyway, Georgia Dome. We are reminded that not everyone who has ever emerged from Atlanta has sucked as much as these people look like they probably do, just from panning across their faces. Tamyra came from Atlanta, after all, and so did...oh, right, Clay "Irritating Pipsqueak" Aiken. Oh, by the way, the Irritating Pipsqueak is sniveling and crying in the clip of him that they show as a reminder, so someone in the editing room feels my pain. God bless you, pain-feeler. We will get through it together. In two years, no one will know who he is anyway, so I'm confident we can survive. Next, as if you haven't seen Keith's "Like a Virgin" audition enough times already, Muppet-Boy reminds us that he, too, came from Atlanta. Yes, yes, he came from Atlanta, and he was bad. I think I have seen this audition at least seven times, which is six more times than I found it even remotely funny. Muppet-Boy refers to his "hometown" and wonders aloud what it will bring to the table this year.

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American Idol




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