American Idol
Them Against The Music, Part V

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Would You Like A Nice Hawaiian Punch?

We open with stock Hawaii film clips #55-61 (available through the Hawaiian Chamber of Commerce & Visitors Bureau or in videotape form at any travel agency in the whole wide world) greeting us from our prettiest, yet loneliest state. She's so pretty that none of the other states think they're good enough for her, so she never gets asked out and sits alone in the middle of the ocean.

I've totally lost it already. Anyway, as Ryan Seacrest so obviously narrates, we're in Hawaii for this last round of auditions. They waste absolutely no time trotting out the judges and throwing us headlong into a rejection montage. Ryan again misuses "ironic" when he declares that "so many people traveled to paradise to put themselves through hell." I mean, it would be ironic if we weren't already expecting this. I suppose it counts as irony for the clueless morons who didn't realize they couldn't sing. Ryan makes me cringe when he asks whether the contestants will "hang ten" or be "musical wipeouts." Or maybe they'll be devoured by sharks? Or sacrificed to the volcano gods? Or beaten to death by pineapples? Or smothered to death in poi? Come on -- if you're going to resort to clichéd metaphors, don't just stop at a couple.

Credits. We return to Aloha Stadium (I wasn't aware that in addition to "Hello" and "Goodbye," "Aloha" also means "Whichever high-tech company gave our board of directors $5,000,000 to have its name here"), where the fame whores are lined up and ready to tell us all that we're in Hawaii and throw us that hand gesture that means "hang ten" or "hang loose" or "I'm miming a phone handset" or whatever the hell that means today. The kids line up and show us all how phony and "affected" they are. Ryan tells us that he has no shame. Well, duh. Oh, wait, there's more. He meant that they had no shame in picking Oahu for auditions, because they went to other places in previous seasons where it rained or was cold for the two days they were there. So, you know, they've earned this ticket to paradise. We get a shot of Ryan surfing. I'm amazed to see that he's got a hobby that will result in the immersion of his hair in salty water. Oh, you know what they like to do in Hawaii? The hula. Yup. Ryan tells us, "The people of these islands have an ingrained love of music and dancing." When they're not sacrificing virgins in volcanoes, I assume. I mean, could they be just a little more reductive and insulting? This, of course, leads to an "ironic" shift (is it really ironic if the set-up is complete hyperbole?) to another brief montage of bad auditions. And there's a pointless shot of a wakeboarder tripping and falling while running across the beach that is nevertheless amusing.

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American Idol

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