American Idol
They Love Her, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeahhhhhhh

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Get her a pair of Manolo Blahniks, STAT!

Tuesday. Ryan Seacrest and the So Very Silly Fake Heartbeat of Artificially Manufactured Dramatic Tension greet us from the Seal next to Fantasia Barrino and Diana Degarmo. Ryan reminds us that one of these two women will soon be crowned this year's American Idol. The other one will have to settle for hearing a million ridiculous conspiracy theories about why she didn't win while William of Ockham spins in his grave.

Credits. Ryan heads onstage in his embarrassing Miami Vice outfit again: the cream suit with the black shirt. The camera pans around at dizzying speed over the audience, so we can all take in the fact that we're not in the tiny studio anymore. We're back at the big [product-placed camera company] theater. The stage has been transported to the theater as-is, so it looks pretty much the same until they pan across Pavlov's Dawgs, who are wearing their best "WOOOOOO!"s for this special evening. There's a live orchestra tonight as well. You know, despite the big deal they made of it at the start of the season, the Great Unknown really weren't around for the finals, were they? Ryan says the fans in the audience are split. He mentions there are fans of Diana. People cheer. He says that there are fans of Fantasia. They cheer more loudly then Diana's fans. If you hate Fantasia: The evil people behind the show who don't want Diana to win turned up the volume on the cheers. Also, they showed people waving Fantasia signs but not Diana signs, to convince people that more people love Fantasia. Because it makes perfect sense that people at home are going to vote based on how much the audience screams.

In an attempt to make the show look even more popular with a higher vote tally, the show has arranged for three lines to vote for each singer. So if power-dialing one number incessantly isn't working, you can try one of the other numbers. Plus, the lines will be open for four hours. I shudder at the idea that thousands of people out there spent four hours calling the same numbers over and over again. Ryan introduces the judges for their last night of critiquing, pointing out that Simon Cowell is wearing his best tight black shirt for the evening. Paula Abdul is wearing a disappointingly normal pink off-the-shoulder dress, though her elaborate necklace looks like somebody poured molten silver on her chest. Ryan concludes by lying that while Randy Jackson is no longer fat, he is still "phat." Oh, wait. If by calling Randy "phat," Ryan means that he's old and outdated, he's absolutely right. Randy cheers for himself.

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American Idol

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