Tuesday

My cable reception is pitching a fit and will do so all night. It knows what's coming. So does Ryan, even if he's not conscious of it: "You have to decide who is the best, but they are not going to make it easy for you." You're telling me. Our host is once again dressed in a black and blue suit, mimicking the bruise I more and more want to give him. The signs in the crowd are starting to look mass-produced. Identical black-and-yellow McPheever-themed signs could just be chalked up to paired McPhanatics (don't use that) working with the same materials. The "manDIVA" sign from last week is apparently back, or else, again, kids in Taiwan are churning those babies out by the crate. Weirder still, one "We Heart Lisa" sign is shown from two separate angles consecutively, giving the false impression that the Lisa fans came out in droves. Still, every week we go without an "Ace: I Will Be Your Mother Figure" sign is a good week, so I won't bitch too much.

Ryan promises "some of the best songs" from the past six years, as the theme this week is "The 21st Century." I know we're sitting in it, but "the 21st Century" still makes me think of jet packs and robot maids. Like "songs of the 21st Century" should all be post-apocalyptic Bjork or at least whatever's hot in Britain right now. Ryan introduces "The Three" (his quotes not mine), as in judges. Like it's their gang name. Like "The Regulators" or whatever. Watching this the first time around with my sister, she expresses hope that Paula will be drunk this week. "This week?" Truthfully, she's pretty coherent. For Paula. Better luck next time. Ryan laments how we "just have one hour" to get all the performances in, as if their bloated leviathan of a schedule as of late had become the norm and one hour is squeezing them too tightly. Do you know how much Red Bull and coke Sars had to promise Jacob and me to get us through semi-finals?

Cute, doomed little Lisa Tucker will be starting us off. She'll be singing "Because of You," by Kelly Clarkson. Well, this should be interesting. Lisa's back is against the wall, so I don't blame her for swinging for the fences here. It's hard to predict how a Clarkson song will play on this show. Even with the judges, sure the likelihood is that it will be hard to impress them by singing a song by the show's most successful protégée, but with the way they've been almost eager to bash old contestants this year, you never know. You know I think Lisa is very pretty, but this song causes her to make a lot of ugly faces.