Video Elliott is wearing these douchey shades as he talks about how "rocker dude" Bo Bice sang Gavin DeGraw's rockin' rock wall of rockosity "I Don't Wanna Be" last season. Elliott wanted to bring his "soulful vibe" to the song and see what happened. Strings and horns go crazy in the band as Elliott storms onstage wearing a hoodie and other assorted clothes that he snatched out of a dumpster. He looks like he's about to sing a song about the streets of Philadelphia. The arrangement sounds really weird and self-conscious at first, but once you get into the rhythm of what he's doing, it sounds pretty interesting. He flubs a lyric early on, but other than that his voice is its usual perfect self. He does look down on his luck, though. I want to give him a dollar, but I'm worried he'll take it to the off-track betting establishment so perhaps I'll simply buy him a sandwich instead. He won't stop making the same bouncy movement, like he's doing a basketball pre-game motivational activity of some kind. Hey, watch out for those T-bars, kid. They'll leave you with a hilarious yet butch permanent scar. I love that Elliott's not playing this song as the cred card the way Bo did last year. He could've easily done it. "I don't want to be anything other than my jazzy Motown self, to the point where I funked this song up so it would fit inside my utterly genuine genre restrictions." He (or more specifically the show, I guess) didn't go that way. Which is nice, because we're free to just appreciate the unexpectedly enjoyable performance.Paula will not stop yelling. Sit down and let someone else talk! Randy wasn't too sure about the arrangement (it was weird, but it got better, dude), but he's sure that Elliott provided us with yet another hot one. Hot one! Woo! Paula loves that Elliott "made it his own," and she calls him "one funky white boy." He freaks out laughing like he's never been called that before, though I seriously doubt that. His whole life has been about being called a funky white boy. Simon looks unimpressed but gives the following assessment: "Great song, terrible arrangement, good vocal, and the dancing was hideous." I think by this point Simon was more invested in the "Everybody Sucks" theme of the night than anything else. Paula registers her objection to his opinion, informally now and by affidavit later. Ryan thankfully has the sense to take what he can get this late in the hour and deems Simon's "equation" good enough. Equation? Good thing you're pretty, Seacrest. In a Madame Tussaud's kind of way.
Episode Report CardJoe R: C- | 572 USERS: C+
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