And Ryan's all, "Not now! I'm on the phone with someone!" In an attempt to cool down from this whiz-bang trip through current events, I should mention that Debbie Gibson and Kristy Swanson are in the audience. They kind of look like they're talking shit about Kellie, which is awesome. How many different shades of livid do you think Debbie Gibson must be watching this show? "Yeah, I was also in a cutthroat competition where teenagers whored themselves out to try and get America to love them the best. We called it 1987."Ace and his disturbingly rosy cheeks show up in video clip form to tell us something about a "rock edge." I wasn't exactly paying attention, because this is when the chyron tells me that he'll be singing "Drops of Jupiter" by Train, and I'm laughing way too loudly to hear anything. That's fucking awesome. For those who may not remember them, Train is an awful band. Like if Matchbox 20 was older and more pretentious. ["And if the lead singer went from being hot to looking like the creepy janitor at a haunted middle school in Prague." -- Jacob] They had two songs, one that was pretty catchy and I'll still listen to it if I hear it today ("Meet Virginia"), and one that was the living embodiment of wretchedness that would not leave any of us alone for the entirety of 2001. That song was called "Drops of Jupiter." And Ace will be singing it tonight and asking us to vote for him in return. Best of luck with that, dude. Especially since your hair looks like it's been drenched in canola oil. Wow, that looks awful. And of course, the first thing Ace does is call our attention to it, stroking his greasy locks to match the "drops of Jupiter in her hair" lyric (which: gross, if you think of it in anything close to mythological terms). His stupid eyebrows are still in the "love me?" position, and his voice is whiny as ever. So: sing a shitty song badly and look like an oil slick while doing so? Well planned. What could possibly make this performance worse? How about when you hit the lyric that says, "One without a permanent scar," you pull back your already sparsely buttoned collar to reveal a big honking scar of your own? I could think of 95 reasons why that's disgusting and nail them to the door of 19 Entertainment. For one: did he just get that tattooed on? Where's it been all season? For another: scars around the collar and neck area are so last season. Ask Jessie O'Donahue how far the trachea shit got her this year. For another, pulling back your shirt collar like you're trying to be sexy doubles back on you at twice the velocity when you're revealing a hideous scar. That's like ripping open your shirt to reveal your incredibly sexy triple nipple. Eight different kinds of grotesque, right there.