American Idol
Top 10: Not A Great Song Choice, Dude

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Tuck Nipped

So, Ice Age 2 -- it's the cartoon about talking animals in the polar deep. It sounds like Queen Latifah has gotten herself involved. I saw her on Tyra the other day and they honestly talked about their boobs for twenty-five minutes. There were pantomime activities and Tyra told us -- I'm not sure if you've heard -- about how she took a doctor away from his busy work actually practicing medicine to prove to us that she's never had a tit job. Latifah has actually had her breasts reduced, and she says it's a huge weight off her lower back, quite literally. Tyra talked about running to answer the phone with one hand holding her chest together. Am I rambling? I am. I'm trying to not have to talk about this excruciating product placement that's been shoved into a show that's already reached the product placement saturation point. Be sure to drive your Ford to the theater! And order a Coke from your friendly concession stand attendant! Mandisa's favorite character is the Latifah mammoth. She represents for the big girls, you know. Nobody tell Mandisa that the mammoths were around way before we invented Jesus. Elliott, reliable little troll that he is, is a big fan of the sloth character. Paris liked the Ray Romano animal, which doesn't make any sense, archetype-wise, unless you trace the line from Everybody Loves Raymond to The Cosby Show, which I refuse to do, on account of how the latter rules and the former drools. Next up is the photo shoot, so of course Ace is the first one we see. Mandisa photographs so well, I've noticed. Bucky's let them put conditioner in his hair again, and he may well be explaining to us why, but I can't make out the words. Lisa pushes the "one big happy family" lie, which was big of her considering how she's probably going home.

This week's pimp-mercial finds Ace, Elliott, and Lisa out for a drive on the scenic Fox back lot. Ace romances the meter maid, who is tragically not Katharine. Missed opportunity. Soon, all three are joined by their fellow contestants for a jaunty stroll down the very fake streets. Mandisa and Paris both have their hair up in Whitney curls. Lisa hops a ride on a passing Good Humor cart. Don't look back, girl. They're singing some dumb reggae song about having a little love and also some hope. The cast of Everybody Hates Chris shows up to slap fives with Mandisa and Chris. A tattooed man made entirely of paper clips accepts a free popsicle from Lisa. Taylor and Kellie are wearing identical shades of sky blue. Bucky is playing guitar. Well, "playing." Taylor dances with an old lady, of course. Though of the two, he's the one moving around like he's got the gout. They all end up dancing in the street and it makes as little sense as any of these dumb ads do. Look, American Idol and Ford motor vehicles, I don't so much mind having to watch these inane bits of corporate prostitution, but at least make them cracked out and funny. Ace dressed up as Where the Wild Twinks Are? That's funny. Elliott getting a beach ball in the face? Mildly funny. Taylor dancing with an old lady? Not funny. Perhaps next week the gang could take their Ford trucks to the drive-in where Ace and Chris are the leaders of rival gangs? Or maybe Paris flips her car over on the freeway and Taylor plays the previously racist cop who tries to rescue her, all the while the rest of our Idols are learning the valuable lesson that everyone in L.A. is exactly as bigoted as you think they are. Except when you try to shoot them through their daughters. It's so hot right now.Ryan is in the audience to introduce two artists who are "the epitome of pop success today." Here are Shakira and Wyclef Jean, singing their new hit "Hips Don't Lie." I won't lie either when I tell you that I'm digging the song. I can't not like Shakira. Yeah, she always looks like she just swam here from Colombia and her voice has that perma-hiccup thing to it, but she's a ton of fun. This song, in particular, I think I will enjoy very much next time I'm out drinking. Wyclef is a genius, or so says everyone whose opinion on such things matters. He's always seemed so strange to me. Like if you ever needed a straight answer out of him you'd be up shit's creek, you know? However, he made that song about being in love with a stripper (yo), so he's cool with me. The issue with this performance is the lip-synching. Is she? Is he? I'm not entirely sure. I caught some breathiness from Shakira, so I'm now leaning toward her not faking it. Never mind that recaplet, girl. Wyclef's vocals are layered, so it's a lot easier to see when he's singing for real and when he's not. Shakira certainly leans on the belly-dancing thing hard, doesn't she? Though props for the extra bit of robot thrown in as well. Always keep us guessing. Then Wyclef jumps up to the platform behind the judges and starts lip-synching right in Paula and Simon's faces. Okay, that was definitely not him singing. Simon looks bemused as ever. One Wyclef equals one hundred Seacrests in this respect. Back onstage, Shakira's just belly dancing and having a good time. Shut up, I think she's cool. You got me. Aguilera and Shakira in one recap. Fire when ready. ["Don't give it a second thought. They both fucking rock." -- Jacob]

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American Idol

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