Last night, Chris was awful and Phil was great; LaKisha and Melinda were standard great; Haley sucked and you could see her womanly glory; Blake was freakin' awesome; Gina went to the Gina Well one more time with the Pretenders, and Simon loved it; Sanjaya was like whoa; Jordin and Chris R were weirdly fantastic as usual. Ryan appears wearing a pony-hawk, it's lame, nobody laughs. Blake is safe, of course, in a fetching hoodie; LaKisha looks adorable and gets the usual kiss from America; Phil finally knows he's safe, but it turns out confidence makes him look even scarier -- and then he's in the bottom three. That sucks. Melinda has some more simply adorable self-esteem issues and is totally safe, she and last week's bottom-twoer Chris R are adorable together, and then he's safe too. Sanjaya stands and the world holds its breath, then whooos it out again in relief, because he is mysteriously safe! YES! I'm not lying! Haley's in the bottom three with Phil, which puts the universe right again somewhat; Jordin's a safely foregone conclusion. That puts Chris or Gina in the bottom three with Phil and Syndrome or whatever that girl's name is. Then Gwen Stefani sings with Akon (?) and her little Japanese girls that she keeps in her luggage, and the song sounds like "Cherish" on a bag of pixie sticks with a Robitussin chaser. You'll be happy to know that Gwen's crotch is still her major singing apparatus. Why does she do that gouty dancing? She's always done it. I think she still wants us to think she's legit and the constipation-locomotion is her version of pimp-walking or the Rockaway, or I don't know, popping an Ollie or whatever the kids are into. The song goes on forever and the major words are "Woo! Hoo!" Fifty verses of gynecology later, Sligh leaves Gina in the stands and heads for the bottom three. Killing Strike, Ryan Seacrest! Use it! FATALITY! First, though, Haley is not safe, and Phil is safe. Again. The boy's constitution cannot take this every week, Ryan. He's unwell. Down to Haley and Sligh, who are the two people that should be in the bottom two. Thanks, America. How about a twofer? Nope. Haley was "rough," "old-fashioned" and "forgettable"; Sligh was off the beat and a "mess." Sligh starts making snotty faces before the results are revealed, Haley's safe, the fatality is delivered. Seacrest! Wins! A whole journey of Chris Sligh's personality going from awesome to horrific as it revealed itself to be tissue-thin, and then he slumps his lazy ass through another round of "Every Little Thing She Does Is Making Me Take A Boring Whiny Nap Right On Stage." Next week, Tony Bennett. HA! Take THAT, Joe R!
"So we're into the single digits now, but whose number is up? Who's going home? And how will Sanjaya wear his hair? This is American Idol." I love his construction when he does that: "Everything is horrible and pointless, and this show is non-nutritious to the utmost. Here's what you did, America: This is American Idol." Camera doofus #3 pulls away from Sanjaya, just missing his reaction shot to Ryan coming out in a fake ponytail mohawk that, while fake, is scarily like Sanjaya's from last night. All we see is him laughing. Dumb. Well, live. But dumb anyway. Simon looks at Ryan like he's never really seen him before: it's like in West Side Story. The overture from The Little Mermaid plays as Simon gazes at him. Randy's just...incredibly nervous, I think, about the mohawk. "I've been Sanjaya'd!" Ryan shouts proudly. I'm pretty sure that means getting dumped on your ass at a highway rest stop with no money in your pocket, but Ryan would know, wouldn't he? He finally shakes off the wig and goes back to looking particularly perfect. I can't believe he didn't chuck it at Simon...there he goes! I know these boys so well. That's awesome.
"Last night, there was No Doubt it was going to be a big night!" Heh. So: Jordin was awesome, Chris R was boring, Sligh and Phil were boring and troubling at once. Simon praised Phil and called Sligh a mess, Doolittle and LaKisha both sang Donna Summer, stupidly in concept but awesome in execution, Haley picked Lauper to ruin this week, Paula loved Blake's amazing "Lovesong," I was driven actually insane by it, Gina finally bit the Pretenders bullet, and Simon loved it but fucked around with her mind anyway. Sanjaya was a fucked-up freakshow lunatic some more, but Ryan made some cute faces about it. Sanjaya was silly and clueless some more, and Simon realized that he is a loose cannon that cannot be trusted because he's out to destroy the entire franchise.
Pimpmercial: "I Fought The Law," with adorable Sherriff Jordin hanging signs for "The Kid," played by Chris R. He comes into town on a horse, and it makes me feel sick to say this, but Chris R is hot as a dirty cowboy. That's the only way his unwashed vibe works. Blake is amazing at everything, Gina's hyperactive, everybody dancing around, Jordin and Chris stare each other down, then all the Idols drive up in cars to back her up. Chris R runs away on his horse, and they chase him, and...it's kind of awesome. Howe weird. Phil looks bizarre and creepy, of course, as a cowboy, just like everything else, and they finally surround Chris, and then he has to wash their cars. Which is ironic because he's come so far to end up right where he started. It's like Showgirls, but real life.