"So we're into the single digits now, but whose number is up? Who's going home? And how will Sanjaya wear his hair? This is American Idol." I love his construction when he does that: "Everything is horrible and pointless, and this show is non-nutritious to the utmost. Here's what you did, America: This is American Idol." Camera doofus #3 pulls away from Sanjaya, just missing his reaction shot to Ryan coming out in a fake ponytail mohawk that, while fake, is scarily like Sanjaya's from last night. All we see is him laughing. Dumb. Well, live. But dumb anyway. Simon looks at Ryan like he's never really seen him before: it's like in West Side Story. The overture from The Little Mermaid plays as Simon gazes at him. Randy's just...incredibly nervous, I think, about the mohawk. "I've been Sanjaya'd!" Ryan shouts proudly. I'm pretty sure that means getting dumped on your ass at a highway rest stop with no money in your pocket, but Ryan would know, wouldn't he? He finally shakes off the wig and goes back to looking particularly perfect. I can't believe he didn't chuck it at Simon...there he goes! I know these boys so well. That's awesome.

"Last night, there was No Doubt it was going to be a big night!" Heh. So: Jordin was awesome, Chris R was boring, Sligh and Phil were boring and troubling at once. Simon praised Phil and called Sligh a mess, Doolittle and LaKisha both sang Donna Summer, stupidly in concept but awesome in execution, Haley picked Lauper to ruin this week, Paula loved Blake's amazing "Lovesong," I was driven actually insane by it, Gina finally bit the Pretenders bullet, and Simon loved it but fucked around with her mind anyway. Sanjaya was a fucked-up freakshow lunatic some more, but Ryan made some cute faces about it. Sanjaya was silly and clueless some more, and Simon realized that he is a loose cannon that cannot be trusted because he's out to destroy the entire franchise.

Pimpmercial: "I Fought The Law," with adorable Sherriff Jordin hanging signs for "The Kid," played by Chris R. He comes into town on a horse, and it makes me feel sick to say this, but Chris R is hot as a dirty cowboy. That's the only way his unwashed vibe works. Blake is amazing at everything, Gina's hyperactive, everybody dancing around, Jordin and Chris stare each other down, then all the Idols drive up in cars to back her up. Chris R runs away on his horse, and they chase him, and...it's kind of awesome. Howe weird. Phil looks bizarre and creepy, of course, as a cowboy, just like everything else, and they finally surround Chris, and then he has to wash their cars. Which is ironic because he's come so far to end up right where he started. It's like Showgirls, but real life.

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