American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"Truth Is Reality... Right?"

How many? Ten? We got ten. Maybe nine if Crystal's still incapacitated. Tonight we're starting with Siobhan, Paige, Katelyn once again dressed nuts, Lilly sucking, Michelle being gross, Didi and Katie being lovely, Lacey sickening as usual, and then Haeley and Crystal bringing up the rear? Or maybe starting? (She's fine, by the way, and looking lovelier every week.) That sounds like a good night.

Randy says the guys were hot last night, and some things. Ellen believes that song choice is everything, like everybody else always says, but brightens up the boilerplate with some "I sang 'Who Let The Dogs Out' at my Nana's funeral. Sorry, Nana." Ryan asks Kara why she's sitting so close to Simon's "plunging neckline" these days, which is the two things that Kara always gets weird about crossed with the actual third thing, which is that I think she can't stand Ellen. She's always trying to talk over her and get her laughs. So she and Simon babble uncomfortably for a while in monotones, and it's so freaky that eventually Ryan apologizes most sincerely for making it awkward.

Oh, Crystal's up first? That's good. Or bad. Well, either way it's Crystal. Her secret is that she has a twin brother, who is apparently also a lesbian. She carries around a bag of magic memorabilia charms with her everywhere she goes, like Heidi Klum with that bag of teeth. Crystal will be singing Creedence's "Long As I Can See The Light," with a gospel spin, and will be doing it in such a way as to impress Simon on the subway, because he said something about her busking in the subway. If, of course, he ever took the subway, which he doesn't, and so then they cut to his trailer, which is two stories high.

Back in the studio, shit has gotten disturbing: Kara's crawling all over Simon's body in a way that surpasses the way Paula used to do it, which I would have said was impossible, and Ryan's looming over them like that moment in the movie where you realize too much coke has been done and there's about to be scary sex, going, "Big head, big trailer..."

But what happens next is, I think, Crystal Bowersox wins American Idol. Her voice is beautiful and she does all the things, the Janis things and the Joan Osborne things and country things and the gospel things, and she looks so pretty with all her missing teeth, and it's amazing. Like, this show has always treated her kind of like we're in church and lucky to be spending time with her, but this time it's actually like that: Jesus and Mary fly out of the screen at your face; little doves twitter about, placing laurel leaves among her dreadlocks.

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American Idol

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