American Idol

Episode Report Card
Joe R: C- | Grade It Now!
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Farty in the U.S.A.

So. Jacob took one look at the cable listings, saw Miley Cyrus there, said "fuck no, that hillbilly's not ruining my birthday week," and called me up from the dungeon he's been keeping me and Paula locked in to pinch hit. Hello, my babies! (Sorry, wrong FOX reality show.) It's been a while. No need to tell me all about Adam, I heard.

So the theme this week is Billboard #1 Singles, and so obviously the name that jumps out at you in any musical context but especially this one is Miley Cyrus. And obviously this is ridiculous and a sham, but honestly, if she gets to make out with -- onscreen and off -- that hot piece who's in that Nicholas Sparks movie with her, she should at least be punished by having to listen to Paige and Andrew and Katie try to sing.

P.S. I really, really hate the intro for the judges and Ryan at the beginning of the show. No wonder Kara's always acting like she's the star of her own little primetime drama. It doesn't help that Ryan asks her and Simon about their ongoing flirting like they're a will-they-or-won't-they couple on a procedural. LA LA LA LA I DON'T WANNA KNOW GET OUT OF THE MAN'S LAP. (Also, Ryan and Ellen kiss, which I assumed would be all anyone would want to talk about afterwards, but at two hours, we'll be lucky to be alive at the end of this. And that's if the performances don't near-uniformly suck (which: unlikely, this season).

So first up is Lee Dewyze, and as we get our first look at Mentor Miley, I am struck by regret that she didn't get to be here to see Haeley Vaughn butcher "The Climb" even worse than Miley herself did last season. On stage, Lee's singing The Box Tops' "The Letter," which is automatically a bad idea because I recall Carly and Michael pretty much killing on this song two years ago (and again last year). Also, Alex Chilton just died, and he was the lead singer of The Box Tops, which I actually had no idea about, because I am apparently a bad person. Hi, remember me? I know absolutely nothing about music.

The performance? Well, you know, it's Lee. He's very attractive. And he's wearing this black-on-shiny-black suit thing that's nice I guess but nothing close to that awesome argyle sweater he wore that one time. Oh, don't make me talk about the singing. It's not good. He's mumbly (as always), he's shorting notes, he sounds breathless and looks uncomfortable. Naturally, the judges are into it. I feel like that one Seinfeld episode where he tries to sabotage his relationship by suggesting a threeway ("She's INTO IT?"). Actually, Simon didn't like it, calling it corny. He baits Kara and says Lee is better than that song. I agree, Simon. Ah, back at home.

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American Idol

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