American Idol
Top 12: The Results

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

These twelve "people" have battled through the "world's most" grueling "auditions" and "worked" for "months," but now one of them is going home, Ryan says. Jordin's boobs are cinched painfully up to her eyelids, which is I guess their new home, Idols past are in the audience, where we already knew was their home...and we're live. Ryan looks dapper, by which I mean that he's wearing a dangerously ill-fitting suit -- shoulder pads like Rudy, lapels pulling out to here -- but his shiny purple tie makes him look pretty. My hair and Paula Abdul are looking more and more similar these days. That's disturbing. Ryan is captivated by Simon's chest hair, and just like that, "I'm Coming Out" starts to play. No info for the DEA!

"Everyone was in diva mode," Ryan tells us, and then Ryan and Simon discuss how they're both in the closet. About being homosexuals, I mean. That have sex with other men. Named Simon and Ryan, respectively. Remember that? Brandon and Haley forgot their lyrics; Gina and Phil were boring. Chris Sligh's "Endleth Love" was Coldplayerrific, and Blake was magical, but both of them got dogged for opposite reasons. Blake's singing was not great but his performance was amazing, while Chris was boring as only Coldplay can be, but sounded good in the voice. We also learned that he is a bad person. Sanjaya sucked, Lakisha and Jordin were great and amazing, and I'm missing some people, right? Can you count for me? I imagine this is because I was thinking about Blake some more. I do that a lot, you guys. Then Doolittle made Paula cry, which made me and Simon and Doolittle cry, and everybody cried, except Ryan, because he doesn't know how. I almost cried with joy when Randy made Sanjaya cry, and that's all the crying for this week, because somebody sucky's gotta go, right? Nobody good?

Group sing. I have nothing to say about it. Chris ignores everybody else and waits for his turn to sing, Chris R is disgusting, Blake is not quite as cute as he thinks he is. Stay humble! Stay low! Blow like Hootie! Brandon forgets the words, I think. Which is great. Haley sings like hell some more, Doolittle is dressed like Missy Elliott as a woman, Gina is...whatever, Gina. Jordin's wearing a dress over pants and looks like a freak, but her straight-ironed hair is glamorous, and she's the prettiest girl in the world. The thing about medleys is that you never ever know when they're going to end. The answer is never. The girls sing to boys, and the boys act like idiots while ignoring the girls, as they are being sung to. Particularly irritating are Sanjaya and Sligh, although Brandon does a cutesy mime act thing that's totally annoying as well. To be fair, there was no way to get through that part, as a guy, without looking like a total glottal stop.

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American Idol

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