Ryan's suit is ill-fitting in about six ways to even my untrained eye, and then he starts in on Simon's chest hair, and before you know it, "I'm Coming Out" is playing for real, and there's a redux on the Ryan/Simon gay soap opera that seems to be a nightly addition to this show, for better or ill. Get a room, you guys! So you could make love in it! Last night, Sligh was snotty, Stephanie was pretty, "Endleth Love" was boring and "Keep Me Hanging On" was magical, but Sligh and Blake both suffered from arrangement neophobia on the part of the judges. And, in Sligh's case, on the shittiness of his arrangement. Doolittle and Lakisha and Jordin were fabulous as always, Haley showed up out of nowhere and can't sing very well, and Phil's little Make-A-Wish visit to American Idol seemed like it was coming to a close. Meanwhile, Sanjaya hung around for no reason and Chris R. continued to be strangely wonderful. Everybody else was boring and/or dumb, and Brandon forgot the lyrics of his song.
Tonight: Diana Ross sings "Muscles"! No, not really, but my roommate would have died, it's like his favorite song in the universe. Actually, she sings that song about how she loves you more today than she did yesterday, but not probably as much as she will tomorrow. Maybe she'll go on another cop-slapping bender and stop keeping score, one of these days. The group song is an unending medley of every Diana Ross song ever, and the pimpmercial is a zombie movie of many eras, set to "Float On." Lakisha is safe, Gina's shocked to find she's safe, Brandon mugs for no reason and is in the bottom three. Jordin is of course safe, Chris R. is safe, Doolittle is beside the point on Wednesdays, and Phil's in the bottom three, duh. Sligh's safe, Stephanie is safe, and Haley's waaaay at the end of the row, which is cruel. Blake gets Doolittle-sized cheers, which warms my heart, and then it's down to Sanjaya and Haley. After a commercial, and Diana Ross's song, the results are in: Sanjaya's in the bottom three, for his sucking is more powerful than even Haley's invisibility. Ryan sends Phil back to the benches immediately, which is nice, and then kicks out Brandon! Over Sanjaya! Gross! And he doesn't even get a sing-out. Moral of the story: don't forget your words. And if you do forget your words, make it seem like part of the show instead of acting all bashful and bumbling, because we're not here to be your friend, or wish your dad a happy birthday, or clap for your stupid grandma; we're here to see you sweat 'til ya bleed. (Blake's next song choice spoiler!) Next week: Joe R!
These twelve "people" have battled through the "world's most" grueling "auditions" and "worked" for "months," but now one of them is going home, Ryan says. Jordin's boobs are cinched painfully up to her eyelids, which is I guess their new home, Idols past are in the audience, where we already knew was their home...and we're live. Ryan looks dapper, by which I mean that he's wearing a dangerously ill-fitting suit -- shoulder pads like Rudy, lapels pulling out to here -- but his shiny purple tie makes him look pretty. My hair and Paula Abdul are looking more and more similar these days. That's disturbing. Ryan is captivated by Simon's chest hair, and just like that, "I'm Coming Out" starts to play. No info for the DEA!
"Everyone was in diva mode," Ryan tells us, and then Ryan and Simon discuss how they're both in the closet. About being homosexuals, I mean. That have sex with other men. Named Simon and Ryan, respectively. Remember that? Brandon and Haley forgot their lyrics; Gina and Phil were boring. Chris Sligh's "Endleth Love" was Coldplayerrific, and Blake was magical, but both of them got dogged for opposite reasons. Blake's singing was not great but his performance was amazing, while Chris was boring as only Coldplay can be, but sounded good in the voice. We also learned that he is a bad person. Sanjaya sucked, Lakisha and Jordin were great and amazing, and I'm missing some people, right? Can you count for me? I imagine this is because I was thinking about Blake some more. I do that a lot, you guys. Then Doolittle made Paula cry, which made me and Simon and Doolittle cry, and everybody cried, except Ryan, because he doesn't know how. I almost cried with joy when Randy made Sanjaya cry, and that's all the crying for this week, because somebody sucky's gotta go, right? Nobody good?
Group sing. I have nothing to say about it. Chris ignores everybody else and waits for his turn to sing, Chris R is disgusting, Blake is not quite as cute as he thinks he is. Stay humble! Stay low! Blow like Hootie! Brandon forgets the words, I think. Which is great. Haley sings like hell some more, Doolittle is dressed like Missy Elliott as a woman, Gina is...whatever, Gina. Jordin's wearing a dress over pants and looks like a freak, but her straight-ironed hair is glamorous, and she's the prettiest girl in the world. The thing about medleys is that you never ever know when they're going to end. The answer is never. The girls sing to boys, and the boys act like idiots while ignoring the girls, as they are being sung to. Particularly irritating are Sanjaya and Sligh, although Brandon does a cutesy mime act thing that's totally annoying as well. To be fair, there was no way to get through that part, as a guy, without looking like a total glottal stop.