(Jennifer Lopez, what oddly red lips you have tonight. And Ryan Seacrest, what a shiny black suit. Fashion sure has changed. Her terrible song is #1 on iTunes, proving that any song on this show, even a crappy one, is still on this show.)
Theme: Songs by your own personal Idol. Mine is Ryan Seacrest so I don't know what I would do. Yes I do, I would sing "Peaches" by the Presidents of the United States of America. Duh. But I would do it like all chopped and screwed and maybe with a string quartet or a keytar. I would probably need Jimmy Iovine's help to pull this off. Luckily...
What Is Jimmy Iovine Wearing: A douchebaggy trucker hat, and a leather jacket that might just be blue, and Don Was (Not Was), who has recently transitioned into being a Fraggle. First you have to live as a Fraggle full-time for six months and then your psychiatrist signs off, it's a whole thing.
Lauren Alaina twinkles and stomps her chubby little self around the world talking about Any Man Of Hers And What He Will Be Doing (Not Doing). It's not really a song, because Shania Twain is not really a person.
Tyler: "Next time, you should pick a song that is kick-ass, instead of songs that are not kick-ass."
(Lauren makes a horrible face. A child shoots out of her.)
Lopez: "Your voice is really pretty, so you shouldn't do these things to it."
(Lauren chews the inside of her mouth off.)
Jackson: "I met Shania Twain! I got to meet Shania Twain once!"
(Lauren discounts his opinion right there in front of you.)
Seacrest: "Lauren, do you understand anything that was just explained to you?"
(No sir. No sir.)
Lauren: "America, I just had fun up here on this stage!"
Dumb Fucking America: "That's what's important! Good answer!"
Lauren: "I'm sorry I did such a bad job, America!"
Dumb-Ass America: "Oh, honey, you didn't do so bad!"
Lauren: "I am a total fake in every sense of the word, Peaches! Peaches!"
Seacrest: "I haven't hated a person this much since Kelly Pickler."
(Kelly Pickler was never a person.)
Jackson: "Shania hates mayo, all right, and she can't eat chicken salad, that's no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo -- the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches, she still doesn't believe me, I say, Shania, I'm allergic to mayo, which by the way is a lie. Shania still doesn't believe me, so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches -- One and a half sandwiches! -- before she realizes: It's chicken salad!"