American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"It's Fine Being Artistic, Just Not On This Show."

Ryan is wearing a purple tie, and I have just enough Watchmen fever that now I assume anybody wearing a purple tie is dressing like Adrian Veidt, which is weird, but even weirder is how many people are wearing purple ties this week. Like, of course, Joel McHale did the same thing on Friday, but that was because he has the fever, too. There's a weird announcer voice that says all the judges' names and stuff, which is going to be irking you forever now, and then the judges disembark from some kind of dang spaceship and Ryan's like, "Simon likes to make an entrance, doesn't he?" And yes, obviously, although there's also a spaceship message here that isn't about Fantasia for once. It's either "Paula Abdul is from outer space" or "Paula's drugs are outta this world" or "Watch Race To Witch Mountain with the parts of your childhood George Lucas didn't rape!"

Then the entire stage goes crazy with lights and moving parts and everything moving around like a giant Aughra cuckoo clock. It makes Ryan pretty nervous, which is cute, but consider this: All that crap on that stage, it cost more than it is going to take to put a single one of your kids through school. So my advice is either start cooking meth now, or angle to become the American Idol stage, because those are ways you can make a shitload of money very fast, and you might even win an Emmy. Just a little advice from me to you, just in case your kids go to college before Obama makes everything free.

Kara pulls a total Paula and very clearly enunciates something that makes no sense; meanwhile, Paula is wearing the tackier-looking half of Björk's swan as a shrug over an ugly beaded top, and saying nothing of consequence. Ryan makes a half-assed segue from her rambling about the giant stage to a sort of sweet dig at how Simon's consumed with himself, and there's a lot of static from the idiot they have on the panel with them, and finally Simon reminds them not to forget the words, and not to be swallowed up by the ridiculous stage and all its moving parts. I mean, they're right in that the giant-ass stage is stupid and is going to make each and every one of them look like they're the 2:35 show at Knott's Berry Farm, but I don't see the point in worrying about it, considering they are the 2:35 show at Knott's Berry Farm. Slap some sequins on these bitches, and let's get to it.

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American Idol

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