American Idol
Top 13: Results

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Turns Out I Can Say Goodbye, Actually

For a moment the lights on that stage get so bright that Ryan is just the memory of a smudge of a thumbprint on your heart, which can only mean one thing: Kanye West is in the house, and the Idolzilla stage feels it's necessary to keep up. Oh, and Kelly Clarkson, too, which is awesome because the two albums I'm personally most excited about this week are those exact two. Guess I'm an American!

Ryan tells us about the "twist" and how it apparently involves Tamyra, Michael Johns, J.Hud, and DAUGHTRY. Maybe the twist is that they will come back and hunt the Top 13 through the maze of the stage for our pleasure. No, in fact, America voted them out and then bitched that America voted them out. (And apparently Ryan also, given the fact that he brings up DAUGHTRY 76 times in this conversation.) So to fix that, we're ignoring stupid damned America instead, and giving the Judges' Table a one-time Barfbag Power Of Veto that at any point can be used -- bam! -- to make your Wednesdays even more pointless. They have to be unanimous about it, and on Elimination Night one week, nobody will get Eliminated.

Is this in lieu of Idol Gives Back? Because forcing us to watch Danny Gokey get yanked back from elimination is just about the opposite of curing malaria.

Simon tells us that they're not circumventing America's vote, they're just ... circumventing America's vote, by giving people a second chance to get voted out after they're voted out. The stupid-ass audience claps and claps for themselves and the power of choice that they value so much that has just been taken away from them. Also Gokey, with a truly gross squirrelly grin on his stupid face, because he also thinks that Simon just did something other than answer the question "How is this not a complete reversal of the basic point of this show?" with "Because it isn't."

"Beverly Hills" is sort of to Weezer what this show is to these kids, who will be living in some kind of mansion or something. There are all these dumb shots of everybody looking at the house in amazement, including Scott, and Adam's all, "This is pretty much where I want to live, which is why you see me whoring myself at this very moment." Then a sort of hysterical meth-queen giggle. Hmm. The skin plus the giggle? I'll be monitoring this. Lil giggles about it, Michael explains that it's neither a house nor a hut, but both teepee and wigwam. Lie: he reiterates that it's a mansion and then they jump in the pool. Next time you see a mansion on TV, hold your breath until somebody jumps in the pool. You won't even become slightly light-headed.

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American Idol

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