So as Ryan Seacrest welcomes us back to the show that never ends, and the camera pans across the sixteen guys and girls looking to fill twelve spots in the finals, who looks frozen in terror? Sundance, for one, looks like he's in front of a firing squad. Stephanie's smile doesn't reach her eyes. Sanjaya can barely look at us. Jared's eyebrows can tell something's up. Antonella looks like she's still working through all the rosaries she has to pray to make up for the other thing. Sabrina's about to vomit out her eyeballs. Melinda is, of course, petrified that her mascara's going to run as she cries over the non-Melinda people due to be eliminated. Hell, even Blake's hair looks limp and unsure. Only Ryan Seacrest looks excited for the carnage that's about to go down.

There's just so much to get to tonight that Ryan doesn't even get a chance to talk to us about stupid stuff and introduce the judges. Of course, that doesn't mean we're getting out of listening to stupid stuff, because: it's group sing time! The familiar opening chords to Stealer's Wheel's "Stuck In The Middle With You" begin, and I immediately start looking around for Michael Madsen in the hopes that he'll lop my ears off so I won't have to listen to it. Why are all the group songs '70s rock songs? Is it a rule? Because if that's the case, I vote to ditch the Eagles and make them sing some Rush next time. It's going to be a train wreck anyway, right? Sligh starts off, and he's got the voice for it. Haley gets two whole lines to sing, and I'm not sure if she got even a single lyric right. Kudos, Haley. Blake, Melinda, and Stephanie take center stage, making center stage a pretty cool place to be for a few seconds. Blake's wearing a baggy black button-down with oversized white cuffs, and it all gives the impression of a smoking jacket. So now you have to imagine Hef when you imagine Blake. Sorry. Phil still hasn't learned to hold a mic with all five fingers. Chris R., Gina, and Brandon form another fairly awesome trio, though Chris has settled on a lyrics-optional approach. The camera rapidly retreats from Sabrina and Sanjaya, not that I entirely blame the camera for doing so. And nobody sings along with Antonella, and again, can't blame anyone there. Sundance takes center stage at the end, because this is his kind of music, I guess. The kind which allows him to break off a painful falsetto at the very end. I suppose I shouldn't begrudge Sundance one last moment in the spotlight, but I kind of want to.