My spirit is broken! Sundance shrieks and Sanjaya makes stupid faces, but it's the incredibly loud band that really makes the group sing ("Joy To The Sundance Is A Bullfrog") suck. Oh, and of all the people to sing the "you know I love the ladies" line, you can be assured that this stupid show picks AJ. He and Ryan go on a double-date with Michelle Rodriguez and Kristanna Loken, but make it back fast enough for the end of the stupid song. Safe: Phil, Sligh, Sundance of course, Blake, and after some dicking around, Jared. Nick is let go with zero fanfare, after a lovely but unmemorable performance of "Fever," as Sundance cries and sucks some more. Then safe: Stephanie, Gina, Sabrina, Melinda, and at the end of their row, Alaina gets the boot. That's just mean! She ruins "Not Ready To Make Nice" again, basically just dropping the mic for a group hug while the backup singers carry it. It's actually randomly poignant. Sundance continues to cry and stare into the camera like a douchebag crossed with a hungry inbred puppy, and speaking of which: Kellie Pickler then shows up yammering about sushi and sings a very long song -- fake boobs cinched up to her torso, fake tan more orange than Ryan's -- and then safe: Chris R (with a little Fake Jesus action) and Brandon, putting Sanjaya and AJ on the spot. Gay and boring/boringly gay, or gay and awesome/awesomely gay? AJ loses to the kiddie vote, and heads out "Feelin' Good." Not even Sanjaya can believe it, and Sundance continues to weep annoyingly; Melinda's sad face, on the other hand, is radically heartbreaking. Paula basically accuses America of blowing this show as a singing competition, which...it never was, so well done, Paula.
And in case you were thinking that's not entirely true, get this bullshit right here. So, safe: Lakisha, duh, and Haley, for awhile. Ryan lines up Antonella, Leslie, and Jordin. Do we even really have to say what happens next? Jordin's beside the point, and Antonella's one thousand disgusting photographs mean Leslie's going home. Devastating. So then I cried, and then I hated this show more than I've ever hated it, and drank a little, and then I went to bed and dreamed more about how Sundance is going to win this season, and when I woke up somebody was taking a picture of me on the toilet in New Jersey, and I still couldn't fucking sing, but at least I got to be on TV, because I have the ability to wear a moist t-shirt and act like a tramp, which is I guess more important than singing even passably well. Sanjaya and Antonella? Congrats. Won't last. In better news: Leslie is awesome, and she didn't need America to tell her that. I can't wait to see lots more from you in the years to come, and you were a total champ tonight. Rock and roll.
The girls ripped it up, and the guys threw it down, Ryan says. He's like Mary J. this week with the words. And the sass! He's dressed like Killers 2.0 in a skinny tie and Blake-adjacent hair, and looks like a million unhappy bucks. Meanwhile, everybody looks the same as ever, except Chris R. is wearing a counterintuitive hipster belt and Leslie is dressed like the world's wackiest babysitter. Ryan points out that the "always fun and candid Kellie Pickler" will be here shortly; one poor kid in the audience nearly starts crying at this news.
Remember the top ten guys and girls? Sligh was saved by a frogginess in his throat, Phil wasn't missing his hair at all, Chris was the geek in the pink, Sundance stayed true to his lack of roots, Nick was...what was I saying? Then Blake beatboxed and did some "vocal entendre" and wriggled gaily backstage; AJ wriggled gaily on-stage, but it wasn't enough. Sanjaya was sucky as hell and the judges called him on it, and Brandon was fabulous but begged a little too hard for votes. Jared was boringer than Nick, but Paula did some vocal entendres of her own. Then the ladies were like this: Gina finally got it together, somewhat, but was still not as good as Carrie singing "Alone," and Simon didn't like her cute dress. Lakisha was dressed scary and Simon hated it in a Mandisa way, Leslie was the best thing in the entire universe but Simon found her scatting to be Paula-esque. Jordin! sang that Mulan song some more, and Stephanie did a BeyoncÃ© impression. Alaina butchered the Dixie Chicks and Antonella sang a Celine song, horribly, and then misspoke her snatchy self about how Simon was wrong about J-Hud, and was corrected. Sabrina was great, some other girl sang "Queen Of The Night," and Melinda's "Funny Valentine" was fucking amazing, because she can do anything, in addition to granting wishes and guarding her pot of gold.
Group sing more terrible than ever. Sundance screeching about how Jeremiah was a bullfrog, Jared twitching around, bad harmonies by boys; Leslie singing a beautiful countermelody over the group not quite loudly enough; Chris R. sounding not great compared to Chris S.; Haley and Jordin! singing sweetly; Sabrina and Phil being sexy, AJ singing about his love of the ladies and everybody grinning hilariously about that; Blake getting brutally rebuffed by the cameras; Gina pulling it out; Sabrina and Antonella not doing all that poorly together; Melinda getting central with a quickness; bad moves; hands in the air. Man, I hate that song about the bullfrog.