American Idol
Top 24: Men

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"Pay Attention To Your Monitor There, Prettyboy."

Okay, let's see how many fellas we can name. There's sweet Tyler Grady, and defrauding Todrick with his fake gross eyeballs, and butterface Casey. And the three-to-fifteen little boys, and Big Mike. Oh, and the man they call Muñoz, whom we've never once actually seen, and the Jermaine That Remains. That's nine, but we can't really count the little boys because I couldn't put names to faces if I tried, and they all have aggressively generic names like they're in witness protection anyway, so we're looking at a solid one-half. Oh, and John Park, and that annoying Ed Hardy guy. And neck tattoo. So we're about the same as last night.

Ryan's intro goes, "...This is American... Simon stop talking!" and then it cuts to the logo. So genius. Okay, now we will remember the people. It looks like fake contacts will once again come first with Todrick in the lead, wearing black leather that promises to be a train wreck. Aaron Kelly in dressed-down plaid and being the most memorable of the little boys, but also the most endangered. Charming Jermaine rocking excellent style as usual, Tim Urban in a very flattering jacket, Joe Muñoz in a fucking hipster scarf, Tyler Grady doing a perfect Roger Waters thing as is his wont, Lee Dewyze fresh from a Nickelback concert, and John Park off whom Ryan cannot take his eyes, because why on Earth would you.

Big Mike there's being huge some more and making a terrifying face like he's going to eat the camera and take its strength, which cracks Ryan up. Clueless Alex Lambert who hopefully will be pissy some more, Casey looking like the dirty version of Tyler, plus very much like Lance Bass right now, and Andrew Garcia in the last spot, which is going to be awesome. Ellen and Randy are wearing sweaters that suit them, Kara's dressed like Aunty Entity of Bartertown, and Simon's daring to show off his entire chest. Not even Randy can be as enthusiastic as it sounds when he says the girls "blew it out last night." If by "it" you mean "chunks," then yes, I suppose you're not a dim-brained, soulless ass-monkey saying whatever you think will make the producers keep you past your contract.

Kara and Ryan talk about Bikini Kill and how she's worn a bikini onstage, and she asks if he means the boys should wear bikinis tonight, but Simon says -- and Kara agrees -- that they should try to emulate Laura Ingalls Wilder in some fashion. I don't know what they mean, but I love that. Ellen points out that if they don't sound good in the studio they're going to sound even worse at home, and Simon tells them if they forget the words like they did in rehearsal, their careers are completely over. Everybody shivers and Ryan swallows nervously like Gomer Pyle.

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American Idol

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