American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"I Think I Know What Her Word Bubble Was."

Oh right, this is always fun at this part of the season. Let's play How Many Of These Jerks Can Jacob Think Of Without Help. Well, there's A-Rod and Haeley -- and yes, I've gotten my first deranged hatemail about them this week, as expected; there's this new trend in hatemail this year where the people are so outraged they leave out why, and it's just like, "Let me clear something up for you, asshole! Not everybody in Chicago loves Barack Obama! Stop generalizing!" and it makes no sense and isn't even what they meant to say when they started ranting, and it's sad but funny and honestly I blame Twitter but either way this was one of those -- and then that little baby child-girl with the breasts who talks like codeine feels, Katie something, and oh there's Didi, and then there's the two pretty/yucky ones and the gay one. That's seven of twelve. Not too shabby.

Oh, and the girl who looks like many girls. This show is always so loud. Everything explodes more than everything else. Ryan's wearing a daring plaid tie and his hair is smaller than usual. I'm not sure I like it. Okay, there's Paige looking almost acceptable, A-Rod blowing kisses, Janell (Janell! I loved her!) looking sweet in a Serena van der Woodsen top if Serena shopped at Target, horrible Lilly who Ryan hates maybe more than I do and looks like haunted hair out of an old person's drainpipe, Katelyn who is dressed like Romy and Michelle's funeral, Haeley who is wearing an entire quinceaƱera for some reason and it makes her look like Wide Sargasso Sea, Lacey who smells like Mardi Gras, Michelle who can't help it if her face makes her look like a bitch, the Electric Company crocheted rug-vest and finger-guns of Didi, that mysterious Siobhan throwing punk rockery moves that make Ryan feel confused, Crystal who is wearing a tasteful suit jacket and would look just find if not for her head, and Little Katie Stevens who as usual makes the universe feel like it's her FAO Schwarz birthday party and we're all lucky enough to be invited.

Ryan makes ha-ha with the boys, who don't care, and Mike Lynche is cartoonishly huge in the middle of them, but I don't recognize anybody else. And so the lineup, and I hope it stays this way, is Ellen-that guy-Kara-Simon. Ryan talks about how Simon told the Post it was the Girls' Year, and Simon says this is because they are all equally interesting. Even fuckin' Lilly. Kara lies right to your face about how we "know" them so terribly well that we are like their intimate BFFs of all time and even help pick out their clothes and their songs with them. Which is the opposite of the reality. Ellen tells Ryan, and the ladies, to not get angry with themselves and not be fucking boring so people will find them interesting. Even Lilly.

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American Idol

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