American Idol
Top 5 — Something In The Way This Is Stupid

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Something In The Way This Is Stupid
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Tuesday

A-Fed's in the audience with some scruff happening, generally looking more like the lost Carter brother than ever. Paula Abdul's hair makes her look like a guest star on Rome, it's awesome, and then something weird happens where...you know how sometimes we talk about Simon and Ryan making out? That was supposed to be between us. I mean, I'm not accusing you of anything and I don't want there to be a weirdness, but...I'm pretty sure Simon knows he makes out with Ryan, for some reason. I suppose it could be because he actually does make out with Ryan, or is planning on doing so sometimes soon, but that seems in all seriousness rather unlikely. Why, then, does he bat his eyelashes up this week, or trace his finger around his blunt British lips while smiling up at Ryan Seacrest so seductively? There's a finite number of possible things going on here, and while Occam's Razor supports HoYay, I honestly believe that Occam's Razor is wrong in this case, because British school always screws up the math on this. But I'm at a total loss as to what the hell he was actually doing. It wasn't an unattractive thing for a person to be doing, and whatever Simon chooses to do you know I'm cool with it, but it does cause talk and chatter. The theme is double: Billboard Top 10 Charts, and Year Of Your Birth.

So while Elliott's getting ready to sing his first song, I want to tell you about a conversation I had this week. It went like this: I was discussing the show with a friend, and the question came up about how come you never hear about Clay, or Ruben, or Fantasia, or anybody really, and why is that. And it occurred to me that my friend thought this show had something to do with music, that it somehow intended to locate and promote the "superstar" of its title. Now, I know you and I know better, but it weirded me out to think about that, and trying to get the message across that this television show is...a television show turned out to be really difficult. Perhaps you've made the same mistake, of trying to sell such a vulgar point of view. This friend of mine is very intelligent, and it's like...that the producers don't care about what happens to these kids afterwards any more than, say, I do. Obviously. The CDs and videos and magic music that they make is roughly the same as a WWF keychain or mix tape or commemorative chugging mug -- it's souvenir merchandise that the show is churning out, so you can remember watching the show, so that you'll tune in and watch the show some more. It's a t-shirt you can listen to. The focus is on ratings, like with all other TV shows, and on the soap opera that keeps us all tuning in, and the way that those contestants are dropped into the hopper every year and the judges and producers push it this way and that way and it's very compelling television, but it occurs in a bubble, and spending all this energy on the imaginary future of these kids is just a waste of energy, because they're on a game show, a stupid TV game show, and the most we can hope for is that Elliott's voice will get noticed, or that A-Fed will do some porn now that he is all grown up. That the reason it took Kelly Clarkson four years to make an album that was more than half awesome was because all she got from the show was networking. It's an itsy-bitsy, tiny leg up in the scheme of things, and all it does is get you face time -- and the contract you sign is so fucked up that you can't even really act on your own interests or get the payoff of that.

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American Idol

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