American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
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You Are The Uterus

Daddy needed a nap, so we let this one play the first time through, and damned if I didn't in my hazy nap state think every single one of these little children was Crystal pulling some kind of awesome trick on us. It'll be nice to see what actually happened. Ryan again tries to create drama about Kara and Simon sitting so close together, and it's dumb, and Ryan calls her his "binkie" and it's still dumb. And the whole time Ryan introduces the Judgery, Randy's going, "Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah!" Which is... Turns out, pretty much how the episode is going to go. It's just awful, dude. I sincerely hope you did not watch it.

Lee sings an overenthusiastic Owl City, which is already an overenthusiastic joke about people who have actual feelings, strumming his guitar at you and yelling with a smile right in your face. Imagine if you will that you are an ill-advised freshman and it's about four in the AM and some guy with too much vodka in his sippy-cup is over there on the bunkbed screaming sex noises at you, that's... The song. And it does not matter how much you've had to drink, you know from the first second that you are not giving up even the merest handy. But props for intensity, and for being secretly talented even though you have pretended you aren't tonight, to a hateful degree.

Ellen calls it "a little rock" because honestly that's what she thinks "rock" is. Kara once against mistakes "coked-up" for "aggressive," because it's 1992, and she says this is not his best moment necessarily but that he made that shitty song a better song by screaming it. A song whose entire point is the Postal Service-biting programmed bleeps and bloops, you took those out and abused a guitar instead, so well done. Good work attempting to make something creative out of what would happen if Andrew Garcia were in charge of all music. Simon says Lee is better than the bullshit he just pulled, which is all you have to say. Lee, of course, doesn't know the diff so he just babbles for awhile while his tattoos go, "But we yelled! While holding a guitar!" Listen tats, the song is shit. And you guys sang it so fast -- and loud, and childish -- that we're still waiting for some of those notes to reach us. Like a distant, date-raping star.

Here's the story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls. This is where I honestly had to wake my ass up and start the show from the beginning, because I thought Crystal was singing and this week was only starting. Scary but also awesome. But no, it's "Trouble," by Ray LeMontagne, as attempted by little boy-child Alex Lambchop and not Crystal at all, because welcome to cell phone commercials, which by 2011 are expected to outnumber people on this show.

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American Idol

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