American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
"Yeah, But I Make More Sense, Paula"

Ooh, The Year You Were Born! That takes the sting off not being able to see Ryan's tie bar that he's been obsessing about all day on twitter. I love Year You Were Born. If I were on this show, first of all I would not be on this show, but if I were -- and I couldn't do "Magnet & Steel" because that's what I always say, because it is the most perfect song ever written -- I would sing...

Jesus God 1978 was queer. I knew there was disco and shit, but man, I was born in the gayest year of all time. I can't believe anybody had time to conceive me, what with all this nonsense. I thought it was going to be like, tube socks, and Jodie Foster wearing lots of shorts. No wonder I loved Swingtown so much. Check it, in one poor naïve year you have: "Got To Be Real," "I Love the Nightlife," "I'm Every Woman," "Last Dance," "Le Freak," "MacArthur Park," "Shake Your Groove Thing," and (obligatorily) "YMCA." That's just... That's like Liberace and how nobody knew, and you look at your grandma like, "But for real, though?"

"Fire" by the Pointer Sisters, "If I Can't Have You," "Love Is In The Air," something called "Dance, Dance, Dance (Yowsah, Yowsah, Yowsah)" that I don't even want to know about. All of those are out, duh. Well, except maybe "MacArthur Park" because the lyrics are so Sanjaya. Then there's a more generalized gayness, like "Don't Cry Out Loud," "Hopelessly Devoted To You," "Only The Good Die Young" and "She's Always A Woman," and "You Needed Me," but those are not the kind of gay we like, so they're out. Then there are songs I feel that I could rock, but I would get dinged for inability to commit or connect to the song, probably by Kara: "Baby Come Back," "Heartless" by Heart because I ♥ it, "Hot Child In The City," and "I Can't Stand The Rain." Those would be doable if my real choices were taken away, by the other contestants (whose age would also require the rules to change to even be on this show).

"Can We Still Be Friends," and that Steely Dan song "FM," I could handle, but if you're going schmoopy you might as well sing "Don't Cry Out Loud" and have somebody push you around in the stage in a wheelchair, and I think I would need to dance this mess around a little bit. So that's "Werewolves Of London," which lies outwith my vocal range somewhat, and "Take A Chance On Me," because 1978 did turn at least one person gay, and that person is me.

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American Idol

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