American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Search Is Over... For You

Ryan introduces Simon as "Darth Vader" and then Paula, out of the deep weirdness of herself and wearing a whole crazy outfit with pearls and long silk gloves, produces a photograph of her head and Simon's head glued onto a sepia print of little Dickensian kids. Those always make me think of how the aristocracy used to have themselves and their dead babies commemorated in those pictures, or in portraits with the dead kids alive, or represented by skulls or whatever. The Olden Times were so fucked up. But well, babies die less now so maybe there's not as much of a market for incredibly creepy dead baby shit.

Then Ryan shows a Frankie Avalon performance of "Venus" from the year Simon was born. What the eff is going on here? Is it going to get ghoulish and will Natalie Cole start singing with dead Frankie Avalon as some kind of joke about how old Simon is? Wait, no, because Frankie Avalon is alive, and singing on the Idol stage. Which is somehow more fucked up, because why the eff is Frankie Avalon here and singing for us all? They talk about it for awhile, but nobody really knows why so they can't give you much information.

KYLIE! They're singing Kylie! Fever is the best all-around album I think I've ever heard, before Metro Station. There are lots of albums I like, and by better musicians, but every album has a song or two that you don't care to listen to, or divergent tonal stuff, or things that don't fit the concept of the album, and are just on there because they wrote them. Tori Amos, the most concept-album person of all time, even she always does that, throws in random buzzkill crap or ten stupid songs that aren't necessary. Like, Scarlet's Walk is this hugely underrated masterpiece, but then you got the dead brother song throwing you off there at the end. But then Fever and Metro Station are like these incredibly long, exciting stories about: having fun, dressing awesome, and fucking. Which are the three best things. Ergo, those are the best albums. Impeccable logic.

So they sing "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" so very poorly that I guess they're not lipsynching this week, and they're doing this because of the year American Idol was born. And every time you think they're going to medley, they just sing more repetitive verses of that song, and parade sort of listlessly around the stage in different combinations, and Adam and Lil once again have half the solos, and it's over. Not that interesting, due to the horrible sounds of it all and Lil's weird Thunderdome outfit that looks like she scavenged it from a combination sex club/auto detailer.

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American Idol

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