American Idol

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Whatever Makes Randy Shut Up

Under scary blue light, the girls peel off in front of you like a slow-motion Esther Williams diving salute: Katie, Siobhan, Lacey, Katelyn, Didi, Paige, Crystal and Lilly. Eight isn't so vastly many, is it? But with only an hour to fill that's as short as they'll each get until the finals -- and with Ellen nuzzling Simon quite intimately in his lap, it's still going to feel like technically forever. Kara's immensely uncomfortable with the Ellen/Simon makeout. Truth to tell, so is Ryan. And so is Simon. But mostly Ryan. I bet in his lap it smells like school principal. At a night club.

...And it's less than a minute before Ryan reminds Simon that time is tight tonight, so shut up, which of course he will be doing a lot, because that's what power tastes like, and because that's Ryan's mutant ability: To see the sands of time ticking away at all times. I bet he even dreams with a ticker running. "We gotta get these trains running into the giant clown's mouth faster, or the banana forest will never stop shuddering!" (Yes, his dreams are also that sexually transparent, for reasons that I should not have to explain to you at this point.)

Also obvious: Katie Stevens singing "Breakaway" in her Lurchlike dirgelike mournfully manful voice. Also Randy embarrassingly calling that dumb song "one of [his] favorite songs ever written in modern times of today," which is such bullshit! That song is whatever, I love Kelly you know, but the melody is whatever. Jackson calls Kelly "stylized" which doesn't even mean what he thinks it does, everybody says it was a "young choice" but that she sang the lyrics as though they were merely words. Kara tells her to go the fuck home to wherever the low slow sound of her booming voice is considered normal, like for example the high seas near Alaska where the humpbacks would gladly welcome her. Simon calls her "gloomy" and congratulates her for even showing up, which coming from Simon is like getting a gold medal that says "Special Olympics" when you turn it over.

Ryan and Katie are tiny and prodigious together, and of course say nothing of import. I love these mashed-up nights because you can actually hear Ryan talking faster-faster-faster, in order to slow down time itself. Maybe he and Katie are cancelling each other out, just like the hateful pain/precarious pleasure combo that is Lacey and Siobhan, up next.

Siobhan's doing "House Of The Rising Sun," because her Dad -- who looks like a cutie-pie version of Sam Kinison -- used to like that song. I think the theme tonight must be "Whatever Makes Randy Shut Up." You want a kiddie song? Have something from the Princess Diaries 2: A Royal Engagement songbook and SHUT UP. You want me to sing old-lady songs and yet distance myself from Crystal and Lilly? SHUT UP, here's a song about some whores.

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American Idol

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