Out in the audience there's a diptych sign: Ryan, You Know I Love You: Simon Is Always Right. Two pieces of truth that when fitted together describe me completely. These two little children, I hasten to point out, are not in my employ. "I love you too," he grins, and thanks them. He talks about Idol Gives Back and mentions some people: Keira Knightly, Hugh Grant, Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Radcliffe, Rowan Atkinson, and...Pink. She seems not to fit in there at all, until you realize that all of them are not singers, and thus do not need to be involved with this ridiculous show in any capacity. (Also, they are all lesbians.) And then somewhere else or something, I kind of zone out when people talk about pyramid schemes, Kelly Clarkson will finally admit she was on this show one time! That's legitimately interesting! And kinda OMG! Kelly Clarkson! Yay!

Phil has been looking forward to this week more than anything, because Tony Bennett is his hero. I'm just quoting, I'm not trying to be mean. He really said that. Of course he did, he dedicates every breath he takes and every move he makes, night and day, to the victims of cerebral palsy or his wife or his grandfather or the cancer of his second cousin once removed or whatever causes fake tears to come squirting out of your Hallmark gland. Gwen Stefani, Diana Ross, J. Lo are probably his heroes too, but I mean, of course he loves Tony Bennett. Who doesn't? Phil will be singing "Night And Day," a "passionate" love song, and he will be singing it super slow and super creepy and in a stupid accent that sounds like Sundance Head after a week of PBS Britcom reruns. The idea of putting Phil Stacey and the word "passionate" in the same hemisphere of our beautiful world makes me want to beat someone soundly with a broomstick. Tony Bennett begs Phil to suck less, but confides in us that Phil's one of the better singers he's heard: not just today, but ever. Firstly, I question Tony Bennett's powers of recall, not to say continence. However, the really offensive thing here is that the reason for this hyperbole, astoundingly enough, is that when Tony Bennett is nearby, Phil sings just like...Tony Bennett. Proving once again that the quickest way to a man's heart is up his ass.