American Idol
Top 9: Results

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Top 9: Results
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Ryan is happy, the people are happy, some Paula fans hold up a sign with her name on it, upside down. So Paula! Maybe it's on purpose. Paula is once again dressed like she's from Avonlea; Ryan's perky in pinstripes. Last night we "set the standard" by ignoring everything Tony Bennett mumbled. Blake and Haley did their respective things, Chris was kind of tasty, Melinda was awesome and uncriticizable, Sanjaya managed to break Simon, Gina's hair revolted -- was revolting, I should say -- and Jordin was a magnet of pretty. Phil Stacey wore the fuck out of his welcome as though he has an agenda to be hated, LaKisha got bodied. Who will go home? I wish it were Phil or Haley, I honestly do. It will not be. There's an army of Army guys voting for Phil, and an army of whatever not-hateful term you can use for what Haley is, voting for her. But all the Gina fans were stoned last night, because they're stressed about Easter and how their families are going to be like, "Did it hurt when you got that tongue ring? Why do you hide that pretty face under all that concept hair? Are you a devil worshipper? What's 'bi' mean?"

Worst pimpmercial ever: they wash a car while people who aren't even them sing some reggae song, and then they give themselves hugs and grin cheesily about how there are Hybrids in the world. Gina gives punk rock horns, is how sad it is. Also, they finally are talking about the songwriting competition, which I'm sure we'll hear about less than five more times all season. The kids are divided up, or should I say profiled, into Blake/Chris/Sanjaya, Haley/Gina/Phil, and Jordin/Melinda/LaKisha. One is the top three, one's the bottom three, and one is the boys. Gina and Phil laugh their asses off about how they're totally the bottom three again and there's no suspense at all; Haley furrows her brow with the effort involved in comprehending light and sound.

Blake sang "Mack The Knife," Chris sang some song I don't know, Sanjaya sang "Cheek To Cheek," which means I know one song title in the world and this is not it. The bottom three, which counting Gina's breasts, down by her waist, also sang songs. Ryan walks to the Top Three, and everybody cheers wildly, to let you know that they know who the Top Three are, and for no other reason. Ryan threatens to take a break and Jordin spazzes out, and then he's like, "Fake out!" and the whole crowd weeps with gratitude, because they're monkeys. He sends the obvious Top Three up to the benches; the Bottom Three wiggle around and feel dumb and dork out. The Middle Three, Blake and Chris and Sanjaya's Whirling Sparking Madness, are also safe. Malakar's dad high-fives everybody in the audience, and they pray he'll sit down and stop wigging out. Phil bites his lip and looks grotesque; Gina is dressed in three separate ninja-like outfits, one over the other; Haley almost falls the hell over for no real reason at all. We'll get back to them in roughly six hours.

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American Idol

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