Just four remain! Casey and Crystal and Lee and Big Mike, and Ryan with a big old goofy grin looking as excited as I feel that we're nearly done. These four, man, what is to say? Without Aaron Kelly it just looks like in-house suspension at a community college. Three stoners and Mike having been late to class one too many times because he was too busy saving kittens from trees and singing about it so everybody knows. In the audience: Taye and Idina! This mother is star-studded!
Jackson's wearing Izod, Ellen's rocking the keffiyeh once again, Kara's wearing a suit and Simon is wearing Simon clothes. More importantly, the Idols will be singing not only their Movie Week songs for our votes, but some extra Movie Week duets just for fun. I saw the song list they got to choose from and let me tell you, I am so excited about this week I can't stand it. I looooove these cheesy-ass songs. I can't even hazard a guess as to what they will sing because I don't care, it's going to be remarkable. I hope somebody sings the song from Titanic, in honor of Aaron Kelly.
Ryan explains the theme, starting with what movies are and then what music is and then what Movie Songs are, and then who Jamie Foxx is: "Jamie Foxx was here last year," Ryan says, while we revisit his terrible music once again. He was in some movies, and got an Oscar for pretending to be a dead person better than other dead-person impersonators once. In the mentoring nightmare he asks them who's going to win, and then explains that it is a trick question, so Crystal says cheerfully, "We're all winners!" He points at her like Jerry Maguire, because she is exactly right.
Music, Jamie explains, "really is the soundtrack to our lives." It also is "the soundtrack to our movies." Because we have heard songs before, and because we have seen movies before, the Idols are in a heap of trouble. Unlike every other week, when the annoying songs we've heard a million times before are the soundtrack to our lives but not our movies. Then he produces t-shirts for the Idols, which Ryan needs him to explain. This should be good.
"Obviously" they've "been through this" for "several weeks now," and he has devised a t-shirt lesson for them. On four shirts he has caused to be written CONTESTANT and on four more shirts he has written ARTIST. The challenge, and please do pay attention, is to earn from Jamie -- through singing songs -- the ARTIST t-shirt. But only if he feels you have earned it. Because, you see, if Jamie feels that you are a CONTESTANT, he will offer you a shirt that reads CONTESTANT. But if, and I hope you're following, America finds you to be an ARTIST, Jamie will give you a shirt reading ARTIST. He explains it one more time just in case your mind just got totally blown, and his gross chin-whiskers are coated in sweat from having to explain this complicated scheme on live TV. Should a person receive the ARTIST t-shirt, we will possibly see them in concert and buy their music from iTunes, but it's possible that even earning a CONTESTANT t-shirt might be okay. Just kidding. So then Ryan earns a CONTESTANT t-shirt and Simon gets an ARTIST t-shirt. Wait, start over.