Alicia's like, "I hope he cries." But not in the way that we're hoping he will. His voice is sort of raspy instead of being furry, tonight. I don't know if that distinction makes sense to anybody but me, but usually he sings like David Archuleta talks, and tonight he's singing like... Oh, it's gone. Back to Star Search. Where does this child get off.

I think I've run out of things to say about him, I'm scraping here: He pounds one little foot over and over like A-Fed, and then wide-stance wiggles like A-Fed, and then throws one little arm around like J. Hud. And his little arm cuff holding the mic, and his pissed-looking family out there going, "Now everybody knows he's gay." Oh, and his hair is puffier than that of The Original McSteamy himself, Greg Evigan, back on My Two Dads when he had that beard. That's all I got. No idea why he's here, wish he was my little brother so I could connect some dots for him, can't see him going anywhere but Overall Dissatisfactionville on this one-way desert highway we call life. From Mozambique to those Memphis nights.

The judges too, they're like, "That was a stretch in one way, but not in another." Ellen says back in the '70s she too believed she could fly. Aaron laughs like he knows what the fuck she's talking about, or has heard of the '70s. Kara says eventually it stopped sucking and became like flying in an airplane. (That was actually less lame than what she said, which included lots of sound effects and pretending that she was a plane.) Simon says that Aaron is to be cherished, both for himself and for choosing such a tough song... But in the real world, he would have snapped his radio in two ten seconds in.

Aaron's entire little face crumples, and Simon rushes to say that no, no, he meant that Aaron is so wonderful that it retroactively made the song good and the end was good. Simon Cowell backtracking and eating shit, as I live and breathe. Ryan must be giving Aaron Simon-training lessons because I have never seen Simon this smitten with this kind of candy-coated boychild contestant before.

Aaron admits to Ryan that he first sang that song at a preschool graduation, because was he even born yet when we were in college, and Ryan calls attention to the A. Kelly/R. Kelly resemblance. Yeah, let's tread in those waters, shall we? I kind of hate that he wrote this one song so he gets a forever pass, whereas if he had never believed he could "fly," we would all remember better that he also believed he could "pee on children and film it."