I really, really hate agreeing with him on this one, but I'm going to hold off as long as I can before I admit that Siobhan can go fuck herself. I feel like she has me cornered on this one and I'm out of ammo. So commercials, and then Big Mike is apparently still here. I don't think this commercial is in this block, but I like that commercial where the grownups and the kids both are hating the Spelling Bee, like suicidally hating it, and the punchline is that everybody's so smart that Spelling Bees will become eternal in this country and never end, so shouldn't we give everybody the internet for free? Like, everybody could be genius superheroes. Oh! Somebody should have sung "Heroes." That would be so tight.

Alicia Keys, you make me drink. I don't think I've gotten crunk more than twice this season, and you remember when that happened and I was like "Never again" but what can I say? Alicia Keys makes me feel thugged out.

Big Mike wants us all to step up and be heroes. Ryan agrees as well. What song is it? It's called "Hero," which is out of his comfort zone. Who sings this song? Alicia says that this is a surprise, but what is it? Is it Three Doors Down? It has the same chord progression as the chorus of "Kiss From A Rose," but I think it's one of those white trash bands DAUGHTRY loved so damn much. Maybe Nickleback. (Or is it Nickelback? I'm not checking. Please, like they can even spell.) Maybe this song is from a Spiderman movie? Or maybe I'm remembering the video for that Evanescence song. That whole year is kind of a blur, to be honest. I'm going with my first guess: This is a Nickelback song about Spiderman. Mike Lynch, you phony.

The performance itself is soaring and inventive, but Mike seems more bullshitty and fake than usual. Maybe he's just tired. Randy says this was dangerous because "band songs" aren't always about vocals (um, unless you're David Cook or the occasional DAUGHTRY), but that it worked. Middling well. Ellen says nothing, again. Kara says it was boring, essentially. Simon says this song was pretty but that this is a song about Spiderman. YES! And that it felt artificial, also. So Simon and I are good. Ryan is offended that Simon wasn't touched as much as he was by the message that... We can all be Spiderman.

It's like they read the Annual Rant before this show even came on, that's so weird. Jennifer Hudson has lost a lot of weight. She says it's Weight Watchers but I think it's from hanging out with the cast of the The Expendables. (By which I mean, "The Sex & The City girls have finally become indeterminable from Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Sylvester Stallone, who is himself becoming indeterminable in turn from Mickey Rourke. Have you seen his fucking face?") Carrie bought her that ugly purse filled with speed and thinspiring pictures and the weight has just been flying off ever since.