American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Do You Feel Inspired?

First of all obviously Aaron believes he can fly, that's not even a discussion.

But if it were, I would choose for Aaron to sing Goo Goo Dolls -- because that's what he is, a little goo-goo doll, with goo-goo eyes and puffy hair, a little goo-goo angel -- and for Tim to sing R. Kelly. Specifically, "Feelin' On Your Booty," which is a song I still very much admire: "Booty! Boo-oo-oo-oo-tay! Feeeeeelin' on your booty, yes I ammmm" is my favorite lyric of all time. But it doesn't stop there!

That breakdown lyric is followed by my second-favorite all-time lyric, which is when the DJ is making him feel thugged out. Sometimes everything makes me feel thugged out, like, all day. "This is my song, for real no doubt/ This Diet Coke's makin' me feel thugged out," or, "Chloƫ Sevigny's making me feel thugged out," or, "Paul Krugman talkin' bank fraud is cold thugged out," and so on. (This one, you do it alone or to a pet, because it wears on humans real fast. As it turns out.)

But not only that, you also get the opportunity with this song to "put your hands up" a record four times, if in fact it's that one day a year that A) It's your birthday, B) You wanna get drunk, C) You got some cash and D) You also have your own job. If you fulfill all those requirements on the day you hear that song, you get to feel on any booty in the entire world. That's the rule.

But since I'm sticking with my original brain flash of the obvious, I'm drawing a blank on what Tim might sing, because I can only think of like two Goo Goo Dolls songs. I used to have these dark premonitions that I would one day have to be intimate with Johnny Rzeznik and his awful scarecrow face? So I tried not to pay attention during the '90s. There's the one about Nicolas Cage as an angel, there's the one called "Iris" or that's the same one, there's the one called "Name," there's the one that always makes me laugh with the "you bleed just to know you're alive," because who would even say that -- and that could be the same song as one of the others also. But nothing too... Inspiring. I mean, the song about how he doesn't want the world to see him because they might not understand has a sort of -- in addition to maybe being all of those songs I just named, or some of them -- a sort of inspiring sound to it, but it's not actually inspiring. If I ever become President I will have that song playing at my party, once I figure out what song it is. "I just waaaant you to knoooow who I ammmmm!"

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American Idol

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