Oh, "Better Days." A song I have never heard of, but you know what? I bet it sounds exactly like all their other songs. Just a shot in the dark there. And yes. And good thing Tim is finally dressing for his body! It was terrible to see him covering all that real estate up with less than a skin-tight Henley. Just kidding, he always dresses like this. It's why he's hear, and God love him. So yes, this song is just what you thought, but also funny because only if you were six feet of sexy American cheese like Tim would you think the song was an inspiring song, because clearly it's about fucking -- "tonight's the night the world begins again" -- but I guess it could also be about, like, a landmark legal decision.
Also, Tim's breathy JoBro thing is getting worse. Sometimes Tim sounds like Metro Station faking an orgasm so they don't hurt your feelings. Done, and the Judgery soundly beats him... This is dumb anyway. Not like they matter? But nobody's going home tomorrow. This is Season Fifty of this show. Everybody's fine. The judges sort of blah-blah negatively, and then Simon gets him with a roundhouse to the teeth about how he finally had started to believe in Tim, and maybe that was a mistake. Then Ryan puts one elbow on the lunch table and props his chin on his wee little fist and says, "You're always so cool, Tim. You're just cool as a cucumber, Tim. Tim? You rock." Verbatim, bitches. And then he traces little circles on the table with his perfect manicure and tries to figure out how many stairsteps equals one Hershey's Kiss without letting it show on his face.
Aaron will be singing... (He walks up to the closet/ He goes up to the closet/ Now he's at the closet/ Damn, he's opening the closet... Closet...) Nope. CALLED IT.
Alicia's like, "I hope he cries." But not in the way that we're hoping he will. His voice is sort of raspy instead of being furry, tonight. I don't know if that distinction makes sense to anybody but me, but usually he sings like David Archuleta talks, and tonight he's singing like... Oh, it's gone. Back to Star Search. Where does this child get off.
I think I've run out of things to say about him, I'm scraping here: He pounds one little foot over and over like A-Fed, and then wide-stance wiggles like A-Fed, and then throws one little arm around like J. Hud. And his little arm cuff holding the mic, and his pissed-looking family out there going, "Now everybody knows he's gay." Oh, and his hair is puffier than that of The Original McSteamy himself, Greg Evigan, back on My Two Dads when he had that beard. That's all I got. No idea why he's here, wish he was my little brother so I could connect some dots for him, can't see him going anywhere but Overall Dissatisfactionville on this one-way desert highway we call life. From Mozambique to those Memphis nights.