Siobhan's friends in the audience are an international anarchist gang of homosexuals and tantric assassins and cyberwitches. Jackson hates it, Ellen I don't even know it went by so fast, Kara called it sorta Broadway and says that she seems like more of a good hang than a musician. Simon agrees with Randy that it was a dumb choice, that it was old-fashioned, that her body covered in leaves and butterflies is too weird, and that too much happened too fast. Once again she makes that bitchy face I like to pretend I'm not noticing, and says something obnoxious about how she'll sing Mariah if she wants to -- cue mooing from the audience -- and that she loves being here -- moo -- and then sort of babbles for awhile as Simon starts to realize that Siobhan can sort of... Go fuck herself, actually.
I really, really hate agreeing with him on this one, but I'm going to hold off as long as I can before I admit that Siobhan can go fuck herself. I feel like she has me cornered on this one and I'm out of ammo. So commercials, and then Big Mike is apparently still here. I don't think this commercial is in this block, but I like that commercial where the grownups and the kids both are hating the Spelling Bee, like suicidally hating it, and the punchline is that everybody's so smart that Spelling Bees will become eternal in this country and never end, so shouldn't we give everybody the internet for free? Like, everybody could be genius superheroes. Oh! Somebody should have sung "Heroes." That would be so tight.
Alicia Keys, you make me drink. I don't think I've gotten crunk more than twice this season, and you remember when that happened and I was like "Never again" but what can I say? Alicia Keys makes me feel thugged out.
Big Mike wants us all to step up and be heroes. Ryan agrees as well. What song is it? It's called "Hero," which is out of his comfort zone. Who sings this song? Alicia says that this is a surprise, but what is it? Is it Three Doors Down? It has the same chord progression as the chorus of "Kiss From A Rose," but I think it's one of those white trash bands DAUGHTRY loved so damn much. Maybe Nickleback. (Or is it Nickelback? I'm not checking. Please, like they can even spell.) Maybe this song is from a Spiderman movie? Or maybe I'm remembering the video for that Evanescence song. That whole year is kind of a blur, to be honest. I'm going with my first guess: This is a Nickelback song about Spiderman. Mike Lynch, you phony.