American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Do You Feel Inspired?

The performance itself is soaring and inventive, but Mike seems more bullshitty and fake than usual. Maybe he's just tired. Randy says this was dangerous because "band songs" aren't always about vocals (um, unless you're David Cook or the occasional DAUGHTRY), but that it worked. Middling well. Ellen says nothing, again. Kara says it was boring, essentially. Simon says this song was pretty but that this is a song about Spiderman. YES! And that it felt artificial, also. So Simon and I are good. Ryan is offended that Simon wasn't touched as much as he was by the message that... We can all be Spiderman.

It's like they read the Annual Rant before this show even came on, that's so weird. Jennifer Hudson has lost a lot of weight. She says it's Weight Watchers but I think it's from hanging out with the cast of the The Expendables. (By which I mean, "The Sex & The City girls have finally become indeterminable from Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Sylvester Stallone, who is himself becoming indeterminable in turn from Mickey Rourke. Have you seen his fucking face?") Carrie bought her that ugly purse filled with speed and thinspiring pictures and the weight has just been flying off ever since.

Crystal's singing "People Get Ready," explaining to Alicia that this comes out of her gratitude for where she's at right now. Which is funny, considering how my man Seacrest had to take her out into the parking lot and give her a stern yet loving talk about how if she pusses out now she'll never be able to buy her mom a house, and she decided to stay in the competition. I'm glad "gratitude" is what she's feeling, no matter how unctuous, because at least it's not "too legit for this dorkfest to even be here." Which works in theory, but once you've been on the show that's not coming off you, ever, so you might as well play through.

The first third is a capella, on a darkened stage. Guess what, it's perfect. A chamber orchestra appears, she hits actually one squeaky off note in her entire life, the backups are uncharacteristically subdued, and we find out what her hands do when she's not playing an instrument, which is the usual diva stuff, and it's finishing up, and then -- WOW -- right at the end, I think what happens at the end of this song, is that Crystal Bowersox wins this show. Right at the end there.

Voice cracks, right, like Kelly when she won, but just as Crystal's singing "...thank the Lord." NEVER have I seen some shit like that. I don't know whether to barf or cry. Was it real? What is real? What just happened? That was amazing! I can't believe she broke down crying in the middle of singing "thank the Lord." I mean, what are the odds? She seems really embarrassed and feels silly, but maybe that's for selling out? Is this her Bob Roberts moment? Or maybe it's because she hit bum notes for the first time, or what? I just don't know how to process what just happened! And then DVR cuts off so we have to go to Glee to see what happens? I am going insane!

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American Idol

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