American Idol
Why Didn’t You Say You Loved Her? I Don’t Understand

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Why Didn't You Say You Loved Her? I Don't Understand
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Tuesday

We begin with that one FOX blue-filtered promo where things are fast, then slow, as we highlight the remaining contestants. Nadia, Carrie, Vonzell, Bo, and Anwar look great, A-Fed looks chubby, Scott looks like a serial killer, and Constantine looks like a stage magician. Then Ryan's wearing another confusing t-shirt under a suit jacket, not to mention a big old grin, as we check out all the signs in the audience. They're getting kind of baroque. Ryan's working the scruff again and once more looks viable. Maybe he's twins and that's why he always looks one way or the other. Anyway, tonight it's Fresh 'n' Sassy Ryan, which makes the show vastly more enjoyable since, even though there's no point in him being there, he's still constantly on camera.

In reference to the horrible occurrence of Nikko leaving, he asks us quite seriously if we were "outraged," if we thought it was "a disaster," and the answers are yes. He reminds us that it's not fair to complain if you don't vote, and I get that, but I mean, if you agree with the elimination, you probably voted, and if you don't, you're used to hating the kind of people that voted. This is the first of, like, one hundred times he's going to shrilly demand that we vote and stop bitching, but I don't think it's fair to tell us not to bitch, even if we didn't vote, because whenever you're bitching about votes, you're bitching specifically about the fact that there are more people that disagree with you than not. And if you think about that too long, you will go insane. I think this is why Ann Coulter happened during the Clinton years. "Watching this show without voting is like starting a conversation with Randy." Randy's incensed at this, but doesn't actually know what Ryan means. "Pointless. It's out of love, Jackson." Dear show: Please at least have acrobats or go-go dancers or something so that the filler isn't so damned obvious.

Back to fake Wednesday, where this week's theme clues start with a hilarious picture of baby Constantine, which cracks Ryan up immediately because the baby's making that same stoned face that (sort of) grown-up Constantine is so fond of. People are so used to clapping their hands off and screaming whenever Carrie's name or image comes up that they even cheer for her baby picture. "You go, baby Carrie! Rock that bitch!" Anwar fakely guesses "nursery rhymes," which would actually kind of rock, in that this show is stupid as hell, but is still a fake dumb guess. Not even Anwar is so infantilized that he would believe that for a second. Ryan explains that the theme is "The Year You Were Born" and it's pretty funny as he says, straight-faced, "That's the year they made their debut…on the world stage." The only person on this show that came out of the womb belting show tunes is Mikalah. And possibly Ryan. ("It's out of love, Seacrest.")

Nadia "Confusion is Nothing New" Turner (tm Sburrious) sings the Crystal Gayle song "When I Dream" (1977, by Mac Davis) and introduces it by showing us some adorable baby pictures where her hair is just as big as it is now. That's the circle of life. She talks about how her look was totally extreme when she was a baby because her mom is nuts and awesome and from the Caribbean. It's hard to imagine Nadia as a child because she's so self-possessed that all I get is this creepy Spelling Bee vibe, or like a creepy Haley Joel Osment thing. Baby Nadia with a tiny briefcase and headshots, going from gallery to agency to brokerage talking about how she's "really excited about my current project, which is a really interesting drawing of a dinosaur from the Cretaceous Era, which I have chosen to render using a restricted Cray-Pas color palette. For this project, as a nod to the strict compositional approach of the Pop Art movement, you'll notice I've colored inside the lines only. That was a conscious deviation from my usual, more Impressionist style, as you'll perhaps remember from my series entitled Five Minute Portraits From The Strawberry Shortcake Coloring Book In Pink, Red and Green."

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American Idol

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