Here's a brief recap of the American Idol: Life on the Road special: I don't care.
We open the results show directly into the credits, featuring the World Idol logo in its Script Sans Budget font (no, I'll never get tired of ripping off djb's jokes). Oh, I didn't realize last time that the gigantic transsexual superstar is striding through a field of flags from various nations, not just the United States. I'm terribly sorry. So much effort went into this opening and I didn't notice. Giant gender-bending liquid mercury monstrosities are taking over the earth!
Our Japanese anime super-deformed hosts Ant and Dec, having finished hiding all the prize flags in their Fun House set (put the remote-control dune buggy flag someplace really easy, so at least the kids will win something), come out to greet the cheering crowd. Obviously they're even doing different versions of the results show, because Ant and Dec make reference to "our" Kelly competing against the world. After blathering on about the worldwide vote (they don't tell us the actual number of votes, though), Ant and Dec introduce the ten contestants to the stage. Oops, eleven. I forgot about Jamai. Can you try to stand out a little more, Jamai? Nobody's dressed particularly bizarrely, although Kelly shouldn't be wearing dresses with those big holes in the middle. They don't look good on her. The kids all sit on couches on stage left.
After some blathering about the new year and how mean some of the judges were, we get a clip show recap of the performances. Yay! These used to drive me crazy, but that's before I got burned out and started looking forward to things I can skim through. Alexander was awful and the judges hated him. Guy was meh and the judges loved him. Diana didn't sing in English. There's some guy in weird glasses. Oh, Jamai. Heinz was as pretty as a statue and about as good a singer. Kuba, the Polish judge, was crazysexycool. Alex, the Polish singer, was crazycreepybad. Ryan from Canada was smarmy. Kelly was loud, and the hosts lie that Kelly's praise was "universal." They ignore the two pieces of criticism against her. Peter was loud, too, in his Nirvana impression, which caused an argument with the judges. Will Young still gives me the creeps. I'm sure he's a nice young man, but his singing makes me want to hide behind the curtains. And finally, Kurt from Norway surprised everybody with his full voice and his Bono impersonation. And he looks like a hobbit.