ADULT ADVISORY: This recap contains references to Corey Clark's nipples. It is not recommended that this recap be read by the young, the elderly, the pregnant, or anyone with a heart condition. Television Without Pity is not responsible for any injuries caused to those who ignore this warning.
Tuesday. We open the show with the kids all on stage with Ryan "Pickup Man" Seacrest, who tells us all that everybody there supports the troops overseas. Because, you know, we were all wondering about that. He concludes that the men and women of the armed forces are the "real American Idols." I wonder if they'll have comments like that on other reality shows. Lorenzo Lamas can declare that the troops are "the real hotties."
Credits. Ryan heads back out onstage holding a cowboy hat. He's not wearing it, of course. It took several hours to make his hair look that bad, and he wouldn't want to "ruin" it or anything. He has the hat with him, not because he's joining the Village People (his bad joke, not mine), but because tonight's theme is "country rock." Whatever that may be. It turns out tonight that the theme refers to "songs by anybody who spent more than a year living anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line." Then Ryan shocks me by actually putting on the hat. His seven stylists burst into tears, knowing they'll be spending the next three commercial breaks trying to fix it. He leaves it on for all of three seconds before taking it off and tossing it out to the crowd. Then he introduces the ten remaining finalists. Ruben is wearing a yellow-and-black "205" shirt, and GAHHHHHH! COREY CLARK'S NIPPLES! Corey is wearing a black mesh shirt. The horror! The horror! God, even though I've already seen this episode once, they still cause me to cringe. It's like when you watch a horror movie you've already seen, but still get creeped out. In fact, I'm nearly certain a shot of Corey's nipple was on the video in The Ring.
Ryan then introduces Simon "Faded Love" Cowell, Paula "The Last Thing On My Mind" Abdul, and Randy "The Cattle Call" Jackson with all the stupid theme-related jokes you come to expect. Paula is wearing a hideous, fake white cowboy shirt and scarf. She reminds me of all those fake Vegas cowboys we saw at our last TWoP conference. Oh, and directly behind them are signs decorated with sequins declaring love for Simon and Ryan. Now that's a sure way to get good seats. Remember that, those of you trying to attend the show. Also, try to be really pretty.