American Idol
You’re Nobody Till Everybody Loves You

Episode Report Card
admin: C | Grade It Now!
Can I be frank? No, not Sinatra.

Tuesday. Ryan "Powder Your Face with Sunshine" Seacrest greets us with the final set of semifinalists on the Seal, and reminds us about the singing and the voting and the sucking and whatever.

Credits. I'm still waiting for the part of the competition where the finalists are required to shoot golden microphones out of their torsos.

Ryan greets us again on the Seal in an untucked blue shirt and gray pants that recalls the days when the mechanic look was popular -- back in the late '90s. Fashion plate, my ass. He tells us he's still "giddy" from the quality of last week's performances. Yeah, we all are. Why, I've been just breaking out into spontaneous giggles all week. Shut up, Ryan. He reminds us of the voting and such and then says the judges are now in as much demand as the script for Gigli 2. And now you know what happened to the jokes Billy Crystal rejected as too obvious. Speaking of the Oscars, Ryan introduces Simon "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" Cowell by mentioning that he didn't see Simon picking up an Oscar for his cameo in Scary Movie 3. The most cutting response here would be for Simon to say, "Funny, I didn't see you at the Oscars at all," but he just blandly asks if he's supposed to reply to such a comment. Ryan idiotically says that Simon's response shows better acting than he did in the movie. Yeah, because he doesn't pause after every line and stare into the camera with a glassy-eyed rictus of a smile? Like you, Ryan? You might as well go, "I'm just keeeeeding!" after every insult. Ryan introduces Paula "Everybody Loves Somebody" Abdul by calling her "Dame Paula Abdul," and Randy "Memories Are Made of This" Jackson with yet another nonsensical dog reference.

Ryan heads back to Pimp Central to introduce tonight's crop of eight. Susan Vulaca does the "raise the roof" gesture, and if she wants to figure out where things went wrong for her tonight, it started right there. Susan (I steadfastly refuse to call a grown woman "Suzy") explains the pronunciation of her last name. It's pronounced "Whatever." Actually, her name is Fijian, and apparently they pronounce the "C" like a "V." Her last name is pronounced "Voo-la-va." There, I spent valuable seconds explaining details about a woman who doesn't even make it to the finals. I hope you're happy.

Susan explains in her interview that she won the Arizona Idol title, as we see her kissing the Seal. Yes, we all know you kids are evil, but can you keep your worship of the dark elders to yourself, please? Because she won this contest in Arizona, she was allowed to skip all the lines and audition in New York. During her practices, she taught Debra and Michael some Fijian. Did you know that Curly of The Three Stooges was bilingual? Apparently those "Nya nya nya!" sounds he made whenever Moe hit him were actually words in the Fijian tongue. Well, that's the sound Debra makes, anyway. Susan also has a lot of clothes and isn't taking this contest for granted. Whatever the hell that means. Like any of these kids are going to go, "Oh, this? Pfffft. I just needed something to distract myself for a few months before summering in Monte Carlo with the Vanderbilts."

Susan heads to the Seal in a black dress that has a weird gray square in the front. At first I thought it was some sort of discoloration, but upon closer examination, it might be some weird pocket or purse. Yeah, it looks like a purse has been sewn into her dress. If that catches on, I hope somebody finds a way to make it less ugly than it is in this instance. Susan also has lovely, large frizzy hair -- sort of like a female Justin Guarini. Susan's singing "Unbreak My Heart," and she's…fine. She's not bad, but not particularly exciting. She's flawless, but lots of things are flawless without being interesting. Like a very pretty egg. She's technically excellent, but utterly uninspiring.

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American Idol




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