Phoenix Arizona, where I spent some of my tweenhood and where I first looked at a solar eclipse through a paper plate, read lots of Elfquest and cooked up complicated marital situations for He-Man and his sister She-Ra with Jennifer Hardin, learned how to domesticate those boys that could turn even a cotton ball into a pretend gun, dealt with Mormons, and once punched a mean dog in the face on the way to school. I didn't have a concept for bad-assery then, being a gentle child, so mostly I just felt guilty about it for weeks, but like: the thing was between me and school, growling, and I was on a deadline. Phoenix is a hard-assed motherfucker for a seven-year-old gay kid who can recite half of Romeo & Juliet but couldn't even walk by the see-saws without brutal self-inflicted injury resulting, and you grow up fast.

Crowds of the screaming untalented, cute dancing guy, cute hipster dude, Gila monster, guitar dork making everybody feel uncomfortable, a cactus. Because it's Idol, the inspired background choice is "Summer In The City"; because it's the inspired Randy Jackson, his only thought is about how hot Phoenix is. Not a word about the vacation He-Man and She-Ra (or as we called them, "Randy" and "Alexis") spent in the upstairs bathroom sink, listening to "Careless Whisper" and wondering if Punky Brewster could possibly have made it on her own.

Paula Abdul wanders the desert talking about Jordin Sparks, and Ryan finally introduces the fourth judge, gorgeous Kara DioGuardi. She's a hitmaking machine -- Jewel, Cake, PCD, and Celine Dion -- who chose to avoid the threat of Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton, and just make her millions off ASCAP instead. I love her. Paula Abdul, far from the pre-season buzz that she would go apeshit on her... Just kidding, you know Paula's going to go apeshit on her. What you might not have predicted is that the apeshit would take the form of drunken sorority faux-lesbian creepiness.

Tuan Nguyen: First auditioner, a Michael Jackson-inspired freakazoid with giant (GIANT) hair, a pretty cute face, not much control over his emotions, some yipping sounds, a not-entirely intended key change in the middle of "The Way You Make Me Feel," and then some scary and not-entirely committed dancing. Also, Kara D should not sing along with the song if she does not know the words, but I'd rather look at her than just about anything here. Randy takes a Paula tip and tells him his hair is crazy instead of talking about the mess he just made, and the rest of them stare. You know, it's marginally entertaining (in a yucky nicotine-stained way) when the people are gross or seriously fucked up or otherwise mindblowing, but this? This is just nervous untalented spazzing of the sort we've seen one billion times on this show and in real life, with great big hair on top. Unless he freaks out on them, it's going to be a sad showing indeed. Even Randy can't think of a way to make this entertaining, and literally goes, "Wow. No." Kara tells him it was the "not so good" kind of amazing, Paula agrees, and Simon OMG they just started playing "Careless Whisper"! Of all the psychic powers I never wanted, this spiritual link with Ryan Seacrest is both the most upsetting and the most tenderly treasured. Anyway, Tuan walks away across the parking lot and you can hear his tap shoes, which is sort of awesome, if less a bang than a whimper.