Paul, Stefano & Haley: (Just ever so much bitchface.)
ROBERT PATTINSON V. CHRISTOPH WALTZ: DISCUSS.
Chaka Khan and Anita Baker are in the audience, with Ryan begging them to get slapped and getting kissed instead, it's odd, but so like: Why are they not singing? Anita Baker is the best!
Rihanna is pretty great too. She is singing a song about a bed, so of course there's a bed onstage from which she sings. It's all very dramatic and evocative, and in terms of how this show usually stages things pretty impressive. I mean, the song is not good -- it's that same exact Fergie song about how the big girls don't cry, without the nasty infantilizing part -- and she's still rocking the Bozo wig, but there's like ten ballerinas dancing around on the stage and there's sheets hanging down that are also curtains, and it's all really quite beautiful. The kind of thing usually art-directed by your Florence + The Machine type bands. I just wish the song were better.
It's not that she doesn't have a pretty voice, obviously she has a great voice, but: Do you really go to Rihanna for pretty singing? I thought the whole point of Rihanna was the insane music and the bleeps and bops and the noises she makes. Just singing a ballad like this, is that something she's always done? I'm not like fully engaged with her oeuvre.
Ryan: "You're blowing up, as usual. Like there's been a single week in the last like eight years where people weren't constantly talking about you. Like there's been a month where you didn't have an album dropping, in the last two decades. Anything interesting going on with your tour or collaboration with Britney Spears or your five different number-one singles currently topping the charts or your skincare or your luggage or your line of luxury vacation packages?"
Rihanna: (No idea. I always thought she spoke English.)
WAKE UP AMERICA I THINK I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU AND THAT THING IS THAT YOU ARE AWESOME
Ryan: "Is it going to be another girl, just like every week for the last like five weeks?"
Paul: "Two out of three it will be."
Ryan: "Haley, you're still safe. Paul and Stefano, it's down to you."