Simon says that, based on last night, Katharine should go. And he's right. She continues to almost cry, and everybody boos. Then Ryan does a crazy thing that doesn't ever happen except to Josh Gracin: "A lot of people thought you two were going to the finals. That Chris was the next American Idol." Lots of Chris signs in the audience, and cheering.... "Chris, you are going home tonight." Just like that! Cruel and shocking all at once! Kat's jaw drops in horror, Chris goes dead, Paula goes slack and falls to the floor, and Kat continues to wig. That was shocking! The way that happened was fucked up!
Kat freaks out all the way to the bench and then loses control of her limbs, putting prayer hands under her chin like she's a sleepy baby. She's all elbows. Ryan asks if Chris is in shock, and he is: because he knows he's the best, and also fuck you. Nice. On the screen, he gets the Pickler Memorial "Bad Day" Emo Remix, and his video journey lasts one million years, and it's all about how he's Aaron Eckhart in Erin Brockovich and incredibly boring but nice, while in the bottom corner he just looks pissy. I think that he's trying not to cry, plus pouting, so it makes it more intense than it really is, but man. Still the least classy exit probably ever. In the days following this, he'll return again and again to harp on the fact that his fans are lazy and screwed him. Even though the show did exactly what I wanted it to, which is get him a job offer from Fuel. So...he won.
His singout of "Suspicious Minds" is really great. Chris is a funny old bird, because if you showed me a picture of him in a week I don't know if I could tell you his name -- but he's the only person in the history of this show that I like the songs of, other than the prenominate Underwood classics. The two most uninteresting contestants ever, and I like their songs the most. Well, and some Nadia stuff, but nothing like this. Like I might actually follow his career. Chris is like his own little band, to me. The band of Chris: no soul, but a lot of a nice-sounding voice. Don't let the door hit you in the chain wallet on the way out, buddy.