Ryan is in fine fettle. Cecile Frot-Coutaz is frotcoutazzing it up. J. Lo is dressed like Blair Waldorf.
So is Steven Tyler.
The finale is three weeks away. Three weeks until Casey Abrams comes back. Maybe he will do a duet with Naima. It will just be him slapping a trombone around while she dances and then they're like, "What. You just don't get it."
Jackson: "Now is the time where you have to be in it to win it. America wants to know."
Seacrest: "So very true, Randy. Tonight, they will be singing songs or whatever. There's not really a theme. Songs from before, and then songs from also before. We got tired. A person needs sleep sometimes."
I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT JACOB'S LIFE FROM HIS WORDY RECAPS
Sheryl Crow is so great, isn't she? I wish we were friends. I would never say I wanted to have some fun. I would never say that Fireman's 4 or Drunk Amazoning is my favorite mistake, even though that's my favorite song* and I constantly hear myself in my head singing about how things that are a bad idea are my favorite mistake. Or that it's okay if it makes you happy. I suppose that the end result is that me and Sheryl would just caress each other's forearms, bereft of shit to say. And spit at cyclists.
Crow: "What they need to do is sing good."
*(It was agreed that, if JAS and I got married which did not happen, "My Favorite Mistake" would be our wedding song, and "Brand New Colony" would be our first dance. Guess which of those was a red flag! Also, guess who still couldn't legally marry anyway.)
I JUST WANT TO DESTROY SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
Durbin: "I will be singing a pretend song, from pretend band Thirty Seconds To Catalano. It was fun to sing with Sheryl Crow."
Crow: "It was fun to sing with a robot."
Iovine: "I don't know what rock music even is anymore. Sometimes I just turn off my phone and lay on the living room floor and look at the ceiling and think about how in one day and a few hours I have to be on this show more."
Durbin's mic isn't working great, which is sad because the pretend song by the pretend band is, like most of their songs, 100% power hooks that are totally awesome. If you want to rock out in your shower, Thirty Seconds To Let's Bolt! is the way to go.
Also, Durbin: Does just awful. With a Gosselin 'don't, as was pointed out to me by a live-twitterer with very good Gosselin-scope.
Tyler: "Or something!"
Lopez: "You grab, you take, you want, we feel. WE FEEL! It's yours to take and ours to feel!"
Jackson: "Nobody's ever heard of Sharon Chersky To Mars except me, so this probably went over their heads."
Everybody: Cuts him a break.